Wednesday, December 31, 2008

WW - Toxic Woman

I may not have made this abundantly clear in the past so I'm gonna try one last time.


If you so desperately need attention, go down to Mann's Chinese theatre and take your clothes off for the Tourons. But please, for all that is Holy...


Whew! I'm so glad we had this talk, Britney. Doesn't that feel better? Just to have it all out in the open?

Oh and once more...


Thanks again to Angie
for another ragin' Wordful Wednesday...

Also Thanks to 5 Minutes for Mom for "Wordless" Wednesday...I always have such a problem being wordless...

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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Honor my wife.

Today, a small tribute to who MamaKat (Happy Birthday!) regularly tells me is the best part about me, my wife.

After almost 8 years of marriage, I have come to know her all too well. I know what pisses her off, though it doesnt stop me from testing it. I know what makes her smile and laugh, and only when I am at the top of my game will it be me. I know that her hips will instinctively turn every time a camera is pointed at her. I know that sure as death and taxes, every time I get in her car I will find diet Coke cans and PopTart wrappers from her predawn rides to the hospital.

And yet, occasionally, she surprises me. Like yesterday.

I had made a mistake. Again. You see, we have worked hard to eliminate our debt, under the guidance of Dave Ramsey, and we never carry a balance on a credit card. In fact, we only have a credit card for online purchase protection and other such necessities. But sure enough, we had a big month on the card, and with Christmas upon us, a hefty workload in December, and my ever-nagging Attention Deficit Disorder, I paid the bill late.

Sure enough, Mastercard thanked us for my oversight to the tune of a $39 fee, and $88 in finance charges...a $127 mistake courtesy of Jay. My wife was the first to open the bill, and assaulted me with the accusational news. No excuse, Im sorry honey. So she said,

"Will you call them and ask them to take it off?"

"Um...I don't think they do that, honey, they are in the business of making money off people like us...I mean me..."

"Yes, they will."

"Well, I dont think I really would know what to say to them...or what lie to tell, since we have no backup or proof that we did anything other than screw up."

So, here's the part where I am starting to come off my guilt, and give her the high and mighty attitude like I know it all about finance. As proven by my ability to pay the damn bill on time.

She picks up the phone, and goes to sit patiently on hold until she can get someone in India to help her.

They answer, "Mastercard, may we help you?'

"Yes, we got our most recent bill and noticed that we were penalized for paying our bill late...with the holidays we just got busy and forgot to pay it. Can you please take off all the penalties?"

I am LAUGHING (inside) at this point.

"No problem, ma'am, we'll take those right off. Anything else we can do to help?"

I stop laughing. Blood drains from my face. Drool starts to form at my lips.

"No, thanks... Thank you very much." and hangs up.

Looks at me...and says, "Honesty is the best policy".

I admired my wife yesterday. And I think I will again today as we go shopping, have lunch, see a movie, and spend the $127 that I worked so hard to keep.

Way to go, honey. And you don't need to turn your hips for the camera.
They are fantastic hips.

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Monday, December 29, 2008

MISSION: Monday - FINAL Grand Prize Entry!!



Today is your Last Chance to enter the Grand Prize Drawing, and the winner of the Grand Prize will be announced, and their blog featured, next Monday, January 5th.

As you probably know by now, the Grand Prize is a Deb-and-Jay designed GiftBasket that currently includes:
  • a $100 Ruth's Chris Gift Card
  • an MP3 Player
  • $30 in Itunes Credits
  • and MORE!!!

Now if you remember the Spirit of MISSION: Monday, it is to share with you good and deserving blogs that you may not already be following. With this being the last "MISSION: Monday" of the year, we have selected FOUR outstanding blogs that are worthy of your perusal, and we hope you visit and comment often!

For this finale week, we are hiding the identities of the bloggers, and simply giving will want to click them and discover why they are worth a visit for yourself!!

Blogger #1 - This beautiful woman is a staple of the blogging community we have become a part of, and has been a constant touchstone for a lot of us, I have noticed. She was one of the first bloggers I met when I started, and I'm a big fan of her site and work.
Blogger #2 - Only recently I found this woman...another stunner, coincidentally...and I have mentioned her before in my blogging. She is an amazing photographer, and her pictures and writing are incredibly moving.
Blogger #3 and Blogger #4. - Finally, this is something a little different...two bloggers who work together, much like Deb and I, they are blog buddies. Both love to write, and both have quite the edgy view on life, love and sex...

So here's what to do:

Step 1. Fill out a Mr Linky below to get a Dec 29th Grand Prize entry for this week:

Step 2. Visit each of the 4 featured blogs. You aren't required to do anything once you get there, we just hope you find them to be great blogs to follow. Read them, maybe leave a comment, simply have fun. But if you want to earn MORE Grand Prize entries, see below.

Step 3.mark your calendars to come back! (or better yet, just come back every day, so you never miss a thing!) We will run this Monday promotion today, December 29, close the Mr. Linky to entries at 12am EST, and finally we will draw for the Grand Prize GiftBasket, post the winner, and feature their blog on January 5th.

Wanna earn 2 entries to this giveaway instead of 1? Simply pick one of the blogs above, go learn 2 specifics about that blogger, and email them to Deb. She will put you down for 2 entries instead of one. And on top of that...

Wanna earn 3 more entries? Go Here

Four great blogs await your discovery, Blogger Agents...make us proud.

The Agency consists of Deb and Jay at Dirty Socks and Pizza and HalftimeLessons...make sure you bookmark us both, as we have some other gems to share...

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Sunday, December 28, 2008

I smell a band...

I may have mentioned before, I don't know much about sports. But what I do know is that my kids would rather wedge their asses in goal with a lollipop than go coast to coast for the slapper to the five-hole.

I sure as hell hope they're smart, because the scouts aren't exactly breaking our door down yet.

Come enter for the last time tomorrow for the grand prize drawing...Also, there will be multiple ways to get multiple entries, so show up early!!

And this just in...Anni over at Hootin' Anni's gave me a Best of 2008 award for my Hump Day post! Go see her blog to find more!

Thanks to Anni for this great award, and thanks even more for creating an award that didnt ask me to do anything to get it, didnt make me pass it along to 20 friends, or tell you 1000 things about me. If you have ever visited my Awards page, you know I don't do those THIS is a great award. Thanks Anni!!

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Friday, December 26, 2008

My kids are going through some...changes...

Don't buy your kids gender-appropriate toys. You want to get your little man playing with dude stuff? Give HIM Barbies, and give your Daughter power tools. Cuz sure as anything, first thing Christmas morning, they will look at their own toy, then look at the other, and make a beeline for Androgyny.

Happy Boxing Day!
(Remember? Still got some Canadian in me.)
Don't say it, Candice...

PhotoStory Friday
Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

WW - Animal Abuse

The second you take these f*cking things off,
I'm biting you.

No animals or humans were harmed during the making of this post. But if she takes one more dump in my daughter's room, I'm giving her a fourth color.

Merry Christmas, PETA.

Thanks again to Angie
for another ragin' Wordful Wednesday...

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Home free...

I just bought this last beauty to surprise her after she thinks she has opened all of her BIG see, I am a regular toilet clogger at our house, and I always feel bad that my wife only has an old, worn out plunger to deal with the bowl devastation. When she gazes upon this beauty, she's gonna know the depth of my love and commitment...i can see her tearing up already.

I hope each of you find YOUR own Christmas miracle this year. There is beautiful sentiment to be found even at the hardware simply takes the right man to find it.

I am that man.

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3pm The final stretch

you wanna know what makes my ---- itch? A ONE lane traffic jam, with no shoulder for me to drive around it illegally, on the way to the last store on my list. Definitely a Campho moment.

at least Home Depot will be the end of my wife shopping woes...if they don't have what the ladies like NO ONE will.

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2:30pm I'm gonna miss that bathroom...

ok...some lady just threw a fit about me being in the handicap stall too long, so I had to get out...and then she REALLY got mad when I came out...i seriously don't understand women. Always wanting what you don't have, then you still aren't satisfied when you get it.

Anyway, I made a beeline for the exit. People are giving me crap about my gifts for my wife, but I think it's because I only have one stocking stuffer...

I got it...LOTTERY TICKETS!! That way, no matter what, I get half!!

I'm not only generous, I'm frickin GENIUS.

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Ok...slight problem at the mall...

got a bit overwhelmed by the crowd, freaked out, ran into a bathroom, and now I don't really want to nice and quiet in here, and fairly clean if you overlook whatever happened in stall 2...

if anyone is in the area, can you come help me out of here? I've attached a picture so you can identify which one... just knock 3 times, then once, and I'll let you really appreciate it.

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1:30 UnHoly Hell, I'm at the mall

One of my wifes friends just said that she may not like the swiffer refills.


She's a moron, clearly doesn't understand what my wife loves, and therefore has zero credibility. Pretty sure I'm still gold.

Regardless, stopping for my once a year visit to the mall. No way this ends well.

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12:15 sex break

Just stopped home to drop off some gifts before heading back out, only to discover the best search that landed on my blog by far...

"Pharmaceutical rep whores"

I cant get over feeling like I just got a massive compliment. Now if I can just have some of the sex that this person is sure I am getting...and money, for that matter.

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11:50am Wendys

A quick stop to grab a pickmeup Frosty to maintain the energy level. HOLD IT!!! i'll grab her a $2 gift card here for a frosty and that can be her stocking stuffer!!

It is like the hand of God is upon me this day. I just feel like I'm spoiling the girl now.

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I can already hear my wife on Christmas morning...

"Kids? Can you please go upstairs to play by yourselves? Mommy desperately needs to pleasure Daddy."

Shopping has never been easier. I have been blessed this day.

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Target 11:00am

ok...Walmart was a bust, but just hit the jackpot at Target...found an iron on clearance and got her refills for her swiffer sweeper...she is gonna FLIP. T minus 2 days to HERO status.

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9:40 at The WalMart

First stop, hands down the nicest WalMart ever built...this thing is nicer than macys...seriously...

Maybe I can knock out all of my wife's gifts over in auto clearance...

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Jays last shopping day 9am

Surely all these GD people cant need coffee as bad as I do. Youre exaggerating, morons...MOVE IT.

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

Sunday Night

ok...doing much better are in bed, wife is on her way home from work, and Jaypo settles in for one hour of "me" time. Set up the MISSION: Monday giveaway post for tomorrow, poured myself a nice glass of...juice..., and starting my Sunday night hunt for a good vein.

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Much like the Cowboys hoping for a big win on their last night ever at Texas Stadium, I did a Christmas-y inspirational post last week hoping to lead the charge into positive enthusiasm despite mounting negativity and seasonal pessimism.

Later that day, my mom called to tell me she has breast cancer. Again.

Im not gonna go further into that one, as it is serious, and it's family, and I'm gonna keep it there.

I've been snapping at my wife for 2 days, and today while she works, I have diverted my attention to snapping at our kids.

Yesterday we spent the morning trying to drum up the spirit of Christmas past and present by going to see Santa and a million beautiful decorations, and it was nice despite a sickly and cranky son, and a daughter who lives in crippling fear of Santa eating cookies downstairs while she is cringing upstairs. But that was only 2 hours worth, then I was back to snapping.

And instead of forcing yet another upbeat post yesterday, I simply finished a How-To, and pushed the rest down inside.

Just cant seem to shake it today.

I love my kids with every ounce of my being, but today I cant stop yelling.

I love my wife, and hopefully my frustration shows her that I care as much as I say I do.

I miss my brothers and sisters.

I love Christmastime, but I'm having a hard time pushing past the hard stuff to make it amazing for my kids.

I'm worried about my mom.

Sorry, sometimes I come down. Thanks for listening. I promise I'll be back in spirit tomorrow for "MISSION: Monday"...hope you'll come see.

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Saturday, December 20, 2008

Here's how its done...#6 Create Menu Links

Well, a nice reader named Jenners wrote in and challenged me with a How-To question:

How do you get the little links at the top that make your blog look like a real web site (like the Challenge Me button)? Is it a template in Blogger that I'm missing?

Disclaimer: Do you speak HTML? I would warn you to back up everything before you get started, especially if you are not altogether comfortable with the code aspect of blogging. Better yet, pay someone to do this for you! It's pretty cheap. Still wanna try? Well then, let's get to work!

The Menu bar is not a Widget or a template within itself. It is simply code in a basic "HTML Widget". I am gonna do my best to show you how to set it up, and give you the bare bones code to develop for yourself within the widget. I am assuming you are on Blogger, and there is no guarantee that this will look very good with your existing blog...but maybe you can make it work. I had to tweak mine quite a bit before I got it the way I wanted.

Also, there are literally a hundred different ways to do current menu is written in Javascript, but most people dont know much about that, so I am going to simply show you how to do one with HTML text links. You could also use a similar technique to use image links instead. but let's start by keeping this "somewhat simple".


Then, after you back it up, make a copy of your template code for safekeeping!!
Customize> Layout Tab> Edit HTML> Download Full Template

Next, you will need to place the widget, which will go just under your header.
Customize> Layout Tab> Page Elements> Click Add a Gadget at the bottom of your blog.
You will see on mine this is circled at the bottom.

You will add an "HTML/JAVASCRIPT" widget, and drag it up beneath the header. You will see on mine above that there is a "TEXT" widget that has been placed above it, which is actually empty, and was placed there for spacing may have to get creative like this to make the finished page look the way you want it. Or, depending onthe size of your header and the layout of your blog, you may not need this. You will see in the image below how the widgets end up next to the header.

Next, here comes the code you will need to put in your "HTML/JAVASCRIPT" Widget...right click in this box, then click "Select All", then right click again, and select "copy".

Next open the "HTML/JAVASCRIPT" widget you created, paste the code in the box, and save.

Now, the first thing you will notice on your blog is that now you have generic text links on your blog, so you are gonna have to change them to be, well, yours.

The most frequent question I have gotten about these links is, "What are they pointing at?" How do you create the page that the link points to? Well, I cheat a bit. What I do is create a post, so that post will have it's own unique address (URL) that I can then point to. When I create that post, I simply use the post date option to post it back somewhere in my archives. For instance, if today is Dec 12, I would put something like Aug 31 as its post date to "bury" that post back in my archives. Then I go to that post directly, and copy it's address that Blogger created, and that is the address that I will be pointing to from my new text link.

So now to customize the code, you will need to change some of it. Go to the front page of your blog, make sure you are logged in, and look for the little wrench and screwdriver underneath your new text links over on the right side, and click it to edit your code.

For each one of your text links, you will need to change how the text link reads, AND the address (URL) that it is pointing to. For Instance, change TEXT LINK 3 to read "Mommy's Music", or "My Favorite Naughty Underwear Links", or whatever you want. Then you will have to make sure that you have the FULL address (URL) for the link to point to, like, "".

Just so you understand the structure of the HTML tag you are using, here it is:

This is a full link tag:

<a href="">Halftime Lessons</a>

In Bold is the link address (URL) it points to:

<a href="">Halftime Lessons</a>

In Bold is what the link will look like on your blog:

<a href="">Halftime Lessons</a>

Now slightly more complicated, if you want to use an image in place of a text link, which we do all the time when we use, for example, Angie's clickable image for Wordful Wednesday...

Here is Angie's Blog address (URL) plugged in:

<a href=""><img src=""></a>

Then you replace the Text Link with an image tag, where the address is the address of where the image is hosted on the Angie hosts at Photobucket, and you will see the full URL of the image in the tag:

<a href=""><img src=""></a>

And of course it ends up looking like...this:

Well, that's how it's done. I know I've given you quite a bit to digest here, but all the fundamentals are in place so you can go design something that works for you. Thanks again to Jenners, who made me put two whoppin' weeks into this post...Holy Shnikeys. Hope it helps.

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Thursday, December 18, 2008

TT - Attitude.

You think I'm pissing you off right now, kid?
Wait 'till Prom Night.

Cheaper Than Therapy

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

WW - Hump Day

Since we met, honey, I know you've been secretly hoping that I grow up.
And I swear to you, I will.

Just not today, ok?

Incidentally, I did try to talk to these deer about their age difference and inappropriate public behavior. And they very calmly explained to me that they knew people might have a problem with their relationship, but that they were in love, and had to see it through.

Happy Holidays, Fornicators.

Thanks again to Angie
for another ragin' Wordful Wednesday...

For more "Wordful Wednesdays", try these...

Watch yer mouth, kid.
Nothing is as seems...
Animal Instinct
Frosty Nightmare

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Are you feeling it yet?

This year is hard, I know.

People are hurting, not doing well. Momisodes and her husband, like millions of others, are looking for work.

My friend Michelle just had her car broken into this weekend outside the freakin' VET in the middle of the day, and was cleaned out to the tune of thousands. (there's a special room in hell for you, fucker...I should know, I'll be right across the hall)

I lost my cousin this year to cancer, and a friend to drugs.

Our moms won't be around, and they always made Christmas special.

So in the face of getting older and feeling Christmas less and less, and with the world handing you it's giant giftwrapped pile of shit, what do you do?

Try this...tonight, FORCE yourself to sit down with your kids, read a holiday book, and talk about Christmas. Talk about the meaning, the religion if it suits you, the presents. Talk about when you were kids, and share happy memories about family get-togethers...and yes, make them up if you have to.

And just watch the faces of your kids.

I am discovering finally that Christmas, unfortunately, no longer happens to me without effort...I make it happen. But when I see what happens to the faces of the people I love, that's when it really happens TO me...

If you are having trouble still, try two things to find it...images and music. Go see some of Tabitha's images she is taking at Christmastime...she has a beautiful eye, and her work conjures up fantastic feelings. In addition, there are great songs that do it these ones. If you want to come back and hear the other songs I find, try going to Daddy's Anthems on the menu bar above, I will try to keep it updated with the songs I find that are "helping us" to create a beautiful Christmas around here. Josh Groban is a no-brainer, but listen to Lucy Rhodes...if her voice doesn't lift you, you very well may be dead inside. Or just tone deaf. Right honey? ;-)

Make it happen.

Josh Groban - Believe

Lucy Rhodes - Count Your Blessings

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Sunday, December 14, 2008

Exactly what I needed.

Yesterday the little man and I had time to go just be guys together...learning about Charlie Brown's Christmas and hay bales.

Sometimes when I can be a better Dad and really focus on my kids, they pay me back and have my heart bursting. It's too easy to get caught up in all the whining and tantrums...when I really give them what they need, they give me what I need too.

Have an amazing Sunday.

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Thursday, December 11, 2008


Final leg on my way home to the hugs and giggles of my reasons for living.

Incidentally, a woman threw a HUGE hissy on my flight home because they were making her check her bag...two other passengers were yelling at her, and I simply sat with a lovely and jovial ethnic woman next to me, and she and I laughed and egged everyone on.

Met a very nice air marshall.

Hope you all have enjoyed your evening far away from our nation's airports.

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just tunnelled out of the meeting room, afleet on foot, wind in my hair, tear-assing to the airport to beg for a seat...

Home in time to put those kids to bed? A man can hope...but headline news just said that this is one of the worst travel days of the year...

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ok...I figure I have 3 options for getting out of this hellhole:

1. Run
2. Dig
3. Play dead

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I had some lunch, then I won a cookie.

Wait...that sounded positive...

This sucks.

That's better.

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my friend Michelle just screwed over a co-worker for a mini Christmas tree covered in lottery tickets playing Dirty Santa. Well played, my friend. Screw 'em early and often.

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in between bathroom sprints my boss' boss made a really nice point...he wrote out these 3 things and said, "This is what I want to be when I grow up".

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I will just say that 9 out of 10 gastroenterologists do NOT recommend eating half a cow, washing that prize heifer down with 4 vodkas and 12 olives, and then having a late night chocolate feeding frenzy.

And on a side note, I'm pretty sure Hotel Derek in Houston is one large gay bar. Probably should be glad the hooker didn't show up.

I haven't said anything in my meeting yet that will get me fired, but I'm working on it. And the day is young.

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posthumous pointer
To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson