Thursday, October 30, 2008

My tongue occasionally hangs out...I'm sorry. Just point it out, and I'll stop.

You may have noticed at some time the link at the top of my blog that says "Challenge Jay" is a place for you to ask me questions that plague you, or simply tee one up for me to hit out of the park. Today I am catching up on two new questions, and if you are interested in asking one, please feel free to Challenge Me!

Kristen asked:
"Where did you grow up and what childhood trauma gave you your quick wit?"

Whether or not Kristin actually knows it, I do believe that humor is born mostly from pain. And I won't turn this into a pity party, but my "quick wit", as you put it, comes from many years of emotional and physical abuse. Oh who am I kidding...I learned to be funny because I couldn't get a girl with my looks. I got them into the sack by making them laugh, and then when I got them there, they laughed harder. Hence, more emotional abuse, ergo, I got funnier. Date night with my wife is coming up this week, and I plan to be even funnier at the end of the evening. BTW, I was born in Canada...and if that isn't funny, I don't know what is.

and Anonymous asked:
Jay, I need a guy's view on this. My husband and I were shopping at Costco. I noticed him staring at a tall, thin brunette (I am short and blonde). I did not say anything. As we were leaving and walking thru the parking lot, she was loading the back of her SUV. Again he was staring at her and not paying attention and ran over me with the cart! I then said if he had not been staring at some other woman he might not crash the Costco cart into his spouse! He denied staring at her (LAME!), and that was the end of it. It has really been bothering me since. Am I being hyper-sensitive? I know he loves me. I want a man's point of view, even if it may sting a bit. Thanks!

She was loading her SUV? That's Hot.

Oh, my dear sweet...Anonymous. You're just jumping right to the heart of the matter, aren't you? Well, bless your heart for asking, and sorry you had to, but let's do this. (And hold on to something to protect you from the angry comment flood rumbling towards us at the end)

Men are pigs. No real shock there. But I ask you all to think about what I just said. We may be metaphorically "pig-like" but we are actually wired differently than you. This will be important...stay with me.

Much like our beautiful and sensitive female counterparts, men are all different...physically and emotionally. But one thing that the vast majority of men have in common is our urge to "procreate"...and not just with one woman.

I know...again, hear me out.

Men think about attraction and sex far differently than women...but for one gender to tell the other what is right and that the other is wrong is lunacy. Men think about sex constantly, as in several thousand times a day, women don't. Men think about the physical act, and physical components, women think more in terms of the emotional element of the transaction.

Now, remember, I am not speaking for EVERY man or EVERY woman, so don't get all up in arms about that aspect...but the reality is that the male wiring has us thinking about it all...the...freaking...time. And you have to ask yourself, am I judging a man for something that is as embedded in his DNA as his hair and eye color? Or do you simply believe that everything done is by CHOICE alone? If you believe the latter, then you have to ask yourself, "How in the hell can I assume to know how a man thinks?" And don't forget to ask yourself, "Why do I think that I am simply right, and he is wrong? Right according to whom? ME? The Woman?" Do we males fully understand or appreciate how a woman is wired? We can' me, it's just that simple.

Before any of you think I am simply trying to bail out with the wiring issue, let's address the REAL factor to consider.


You see, I am also an offender. I have male-wiring, and I am visually many men. But you have to take all men and put them into two groups... men who can, and men who can't. Cheat, that is. I can be a flirt, we know this. My wife knows this. But hopefully she also knows that I fall into the category of can't, and she never has anything to worry about. But I have still managed to offend and hurt her with my "wiring" at times, as I see a pretty girl, or particular physical features I may be visually motivated by, and I have had to learn some respect.

Anonymous, you are normal to feel hurt, you are normal to be offended. You are wired to want more respect than is being shown you.

And if you are asking my advice, here it is.

If you sit next to a dog and think, "Why does he sit there with his tongue hanging out? Doesn't he know it's rude?" Well, the dog doesn't know it's rude, but we know that what we do hurts you. Tell him. Simply tell him that you know he has urges, and that he is a slave to his uncontrollable visual cortex and libido, but ask him to respect you the way that you are inadvertently respecting him by not staring at every butt, chest and package on the DILFs at the community pool. Just understand that you love him for the same set of wiring that is currently pissing you off. Asking him to turn off these urges is like asking the person who suffers from depression to "snap out of it". Pity him for being a flawed male, AND ask him to show you more respect. You are his wife and the mother of his have earned the respect you seek.

And if you are married to a cheater, I sure hope you dump his ass. the flood gates!!!!

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Sand in my shoes.

Last year we took a small vacation to Destin, Florida, which turned out to be...well...not that fun. It was great from the standpoint that we were out of the house with our kids, at the beach. It was horrible due to the fact that we were out of the house, with two small kids, at the beach. The drive was a four day nightmare, there were jellyfish and stingrays just off the beach, and it was during a time when my wife and I were not...well...playing nicely. But out of that trip came some amazing pictures, and lessons learned.

1. Take your mother to help...Thanks, Mom. Sorry about the arguing.
2. Stick to the pool.
3. Invest in the best DVD player you can afford for the car.
4. If your 3 year old likes to get up at 4am, use that time to go get phenomenal sunrise beach pictures.

Cheaper Than Therapy

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Wordless/Wordful Wednesday

This picture gives ME bad dreams, so no telling what pile of therapy is in front of her...

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Sunday, October 26, 2008

I found my Y Chromasome...It was under my Estrogen patch.

I think I may have mentioned before, I love women. SO many things about you are SO wonderful...but I won't tangent. And rather than lump all women into one mold, today I will be referring to my lovely bride. And to her credit, I have found the following trait to be fairly common, but not exclusive, to the female species.

Today I would like to talk about an age old struggle, that great barrier between us, the Great Wall Of China that separates the female psyche from the male's...

Listening, instead of FIXING.

This has often been a thing. She will come to me with a story about an ill-tempered child, a bad day at work, a story about an infuriating family member told for the 247th time. And I will sit, and listen as a good husband should. (By the way, I am using the official title of a "good husband" here, but I am clearly still in training.)

And then I will offer a suggestion. Or ask if she had tried something in particular. Or probe more into her process, in an effort to sneak up on a solution.

And that is when the fireworks start.

I am judging, second-guessing, judge and jury at the end of a hard day, clearly not on her side, making her feel weak, inadequate, silly, stupid.

You see, along with boybits, we males have another subtle difference from you beauties...even we softer males have an undying urge to...Fix. And you don't want want us to LISTEN. I get that. And I do listen, I swear to you I do. But as soon as you are finished recounting the events, isn't it natural to want to avoid a recurrence in the future? To try something else that you may not have thought of before? To use the experience of another? Isn't that an advantage of sharing your life with someone, to have a built-in library of resources to aid each other in navigating life?


Clearly not.

I could use your help friends...can you tell me where I am off here? I really want to...well...fix this.

ps- Tomorrow is the Weekly Pessimistic Prize again...I look forward to hearing your stories of weekend terror.

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Saturday, October 25, 2008

Welcome to Hell. I'm a 1yr old, your host...

Well, here is where you get to sit through yet another GD pumpkin patch photo spread...It was a beautiful morning, and I am leaving out the 95% of photos that had a screaming child in them.

I really like you bloggy people, so just know I am thinking of YOUR sanity when I say, "I'm glad you weren't here."

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Friday, October 24, 2008

I'm sorry...and you are...?

One more thing...
My wife has that thing where her memory resets every 12 minutes.

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Name my drink, and...CARISSA!!!

As I sit here tonight, reading the musings of my fav authors and sipping (ya, like I sip) one of my fav concoctions, I realized something...

This drink has no name.

Let me introduce you to... Tito's Handmade Vodka and Diet Orange Sunkist.

Two immediate jokes come to mind:

"Yes, times are tough."


"I know, my body is a temple."

But the thing is...this drink has no know, like, "Sex on the Beach"... or "White Russian"... or "I can quit, honey, just give me one more chance!!!"

So, will you help me name it? Drop me a comment, and share your genius...when I hear one I like I will lift my head off the toilet seat and give you a slobbering nod.



I have developed an award. An award like every award like no other. An award to celebrate bloggers who have helped me get started, or who have tolerated me, or simply who have not gone so far as to ban me.

And yes, I do understand the knee-deep irony in nominating a Mormon in the same post as I ask you to name one of my fav alcoholic beverages...give me SOME credit, will you? But there is no denying this woman has been helpful beyond belief to myself and my newbie blogger comrades in starting sharing our gift (snicker) with the world (40 other people)...So help me congratulate...

CARISSA!! from Good and Crazy People...

Twittermom and Blog adviser, Carissa has been instrumental in helping me get HalftimeLessons going in one way or another, and I thank you. There are no 12 step program requirements to this award, and you are not asked to pass it along. I am simply handing it to wonderful people like you who help others. You seriously rock.

Allow me to adorn you with some blog jewelry below, and thank you, Carissa, for everything you do. You complete me... You had me at hello... Carpe dentum...seize the teeth. Go to the mattresses... My name's Forrest... Ok...I am stopping.

And it'll look like this:

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

One of my favorite places, and memories.

Lake Powell. Were you ever in a moment, and realize right then that you would NEVER forget it? I spent a week on a houseboat with my family once, and had a week full of those moments.

From the top of our boat

At dawn, while the gang slept...

Dragged our mattresses up on top to sleep

Drink, snack, sun, drink, swim, repeat.

Can I borrow $12 Grand to do it again?

Cheaper Than Therapy

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008


I had originally written a post today called Tattoo Tuesday...the idea was to get all you tattoo owners to display your tattoos, tell their stories, and show the linky love to your blogs.

My wife had a problem with it. Out of respect for her feelings, I have taken it down.

Did you have a problem with the idea? Did I offend you? Let me know your thoughts.

And as one final tribute to a failed Tattoo Tuesday, take a look a this...My friend Tony sent it in. FANTASTIC.

Ladies, there are GREAT men out there.

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Friday, October 17, 2008

Here's how it's done...#2 Printkey, my best friend.

Ok folks, I want to introduce you to my best friend, my right hand man, Printkey. Printkey is a freeware program that I have been using since 1998. That's right, for 10 years. It is a tiny program that, once you execute it, sits in your system tray and waits for you to need it.

So what does it do? It allows you to take screen captures of whatever you are looking at your monitor, and quickly save them as some form of image file. In fact, you can even crop and edit them to suit your needs. You simply hit your "PrtScn" key, and you hear an audible "snap" of a typewriter key, and the program pops up with a picture of your desktop, which you can then edit to your heart's content. Once you get the hang of cropping, you will be able to open up any image on your computer, hit your PrtScn button, crop the picture down to any part you wish, and save as a brand new image. INCREDIBLY easy.

I LOVE this thing. I have used it repeatedly...a thousand times in ten years. And it's free. I have created a download link, and I hope it brings you as much joy as it has me.

After you click below, next click on the "free user" button, and simply wait for the resulting clock to run out. Then click on the download link. Good Luck!

Download Here

And check out my right sidebar for more Blogger How-to articles.

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She's a rapper, on the crapper.

Talking nonsensically is an Olympic event around here, with my 4 yr old and I vying for the top of that podium.

But this morning, as she has sat down for a quick poopoo before heading off to school, our little game reached a whole new level.

She saw me run by the bathroom in my underwear, and shouted "I see your stinky bunners!!"...ironic considering her current activity in the restroom.

Then we heard, "I think I need the air on".

My wife and I had a good giggle at this.

So I walked over to the bathroom to turn on the fan for her, and said with a smile "Miss C, you're weird-o-rama."

And she replied, without hesitation:

"You're Barack Obama."

I couldnt reply...mostly because I hit the floor laughing so hard...

And then she added:

"When I call you Barack Obama, you call me John McCain."

I crawled away to find my wife, who I could hear losing it in the next room, and I heard behind me:

"Hey...I still need the John McCain air on."

She doesn't have a firm grasp of the issues, but I love that she is in the game.

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I'm sad.

And disheartened. And worried. Worried about this country, sure, but mostly worried about apathy, ignorance, and immaturity.

How hard is it to support your candidate without disrespecting the other?

We have weeks to go, and life in this country is challenging right now. Do we have to belittle each other over our beliefs?

Two separate people tonight I saw insulting the opposing candidate on Twitter and Facebook... not with facts, and certainly with no real understanding of the issues...they simply were saying ugly things about people who have dedicated their lives to serve our country in one capacity or another.

I don't care what you believe. Pro this, against that, I could care less. They are your beliefs, and you are entitled to them. But to feel good about your candidate, is it absolutely necessary to insult mine?

Maybe the best thing we can do right now, as Americans, is show the world we can run our "model democracy" with some level of maturity.

Good luck to your candidate. And good luck to mine.

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Wordless Wednesday: These get to me.

A Wordless Wednesday, even though I believe in words...This series yanks the crap outta my heartstrings...enjoy.

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Here's how its done...#1 Removing an Image Border

Hello friends...From time to time, I am going to follow my friend Carissa's (Can I call you that? friend I mean...Not Carissa) example and post some blogger how-to's that you may find useful.

Today's HowTo: Remove an image border...That pesky box around your image/link that sometimes prevents you from adding an image to your site seamlessly.

Let's see an is the Signature I made for my blog posts, but when I installed it, even with it's background that I designed to blend in, the box surrounded it.

And then without the border:

So let's take a look at how it is done:

Go to where you would edit your post and image. Make sure that you click on the "Edit HTML" tab on the post edit so you can see all the code.

The original link for the image will look like this:

<img src="">

Place your cursor immediately after the last quotation mark, right after you see sig2.jpg" in this case, and insert the following code, without the parenthesis:

( style="border-style: none")

so it then looks like this:

<img src="" style="border-style: none">

Adding this small snippet of code will eliminate the border from your images so you can make them blend with your background, if desired. Hope this helped!

And check out my right sidebar for more Blogger How-to articles.

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EMERGENCY. Brain returning from mush. Hurry...

Ok my friends, I need your help.

You see, my Netflix queue is running dry, and rather than picking randomly, I am coming to you for your recommendations. Comment me your favorite offbeat movies...that is, maybe not the blockbusters that many of us have seen repeatedly, but the sleepers that you thought were fantastic pieces of cinematic expertise. Or didn't suck.

I will start you off with one of my fav movies since its release back in 1998...Return to Paradise. I will say that I have seen this movie probably 20 times, and I have never gotten to the final scenes and not been choking up. There is some amazing acting by Joaquin Phoenix, hints of Vince Vaughn's sense of humor and gift of gab, and if you can put the weirdo-Celestia-factor of Anne Heche aside for 112 minutes, she may impress you with her range as well. Mostly, it is the interaction between Joaquin and Vince that cripples me each time...Friendship and sacrifice.

Anyway, this is no romantic comedy, obviously...and if you enjoy being emotionally challenged, I think you will be pleased.

Now what do you have for ME??

If anyone says Titanic, you are running the risk of turning your own blog into a no-fly zone.

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Monday, October 13, 2008

Dance like no one is watching.

I love that expression. Draws so many images and ideas. But none as important as it's most predominant message, living for today. And loving for today.

We have had our share of grief and loss. Maybe more than our share, but still less than others. Each time we stand at a funeral, or console a friend, or simply mourn a passing, we say the same things..."You see, that's why we should be thankful for everything and everyone we have." And then the next week you are once again bickering with your lover, and rolling over to put sleep between you and the issue.

Last week, a family in our neighborhood found real tragedy...the death of a husband, the death of a Daddy, at only age 40. Aneurysm, in front of his family, and he was gone. We didn't know the couple, we probably had never even seen them at a neighborhood gathering, but my wife cried. She and I think about things on different levels most days, but this we both saw the sadness in, and the familiarity. She made them dinner the day of the funeral, delivered it, came home, and cried again.

40 year old Daddy, husband, father of two.

So I am sorry to darken your screen on a Monday morning, but I am thinking, and I want to encourage you to do the same.

Are you loving with your whole being? Are you leaving anything on the table? Are you giving everything of yourself to those in your life who have chosen you, for life? Or are you holding something back?

This year I lost a friend to drugs, and a cousin to cancer. My mother's husband made an unsettling observation to me one day...he pointed out that the older you got, and the more people you know, at some point they just start dropping at the rate of one a month. Are we beginning to see the rumblings of our landslide?

And if so, isn't it time to give it your all?

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Sunday, October 12, 2008

Isn't she cute? PUKE.

Yesterday, shortly after making our Giveaway winners video, Lil Miss C decided she had had it with her breakfast, and let it fly all over Mom and Dad's bed. She spent the rest of the day visiting and revisiting her bowl. But even with her face covered in hurl... she was still pretty cute. Enjoy.

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posthumous pointer
To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson