Thursday, October 30, 2008

My tongue occasionally hangs out...I'm sorry. Just point it out, and I'll stop.

You may have noticed at some time the link at the top of my blog that says "Challenge Jay" is a place for you to ask me questions that plague you, or simply tee one up for me to hit out of the park. Today I am catching up on two new questions, and if you are interested in asking one, please feel free to Challenge Me!

Kristen asked:
"Where did you grow up and what childhood trauma gave you your quick wit?"

Whether or not Kristin actually knows it, I do believe that humor is born mostly from pain. And I won't turn this into a pity party, but my "quick wit", as you put it, comes from many years of emotional and physical abuse. Oh who am I kidding...I learned to be funny because I couldn't get a girl with my looks. I got them into the sack by making them laugh, and then when I got them there, they laughed harder. Hence, more emotional abuse, ergo, I got funnier. Date night with my wife is coming up this week, and I plan to be even funnier at the end of the evening. BTW, I was born in Canada...and if that isn't funny, I don't know what is.

and Anonymous asked:
Jay, I need a guy's view on this. My husband and I were shopping at Costco. I noticed him staring at a tall, thin brunette (I am short and blonde). I did not say anything. As we were leaving and walking thru the parking lot, she was loading the back of her SUV. Again he was staring at her and not paying attention and ran over me with the cart! I then said if he had not been staring at some other woman he might not crash the Costco cart into his spouse! He denied staring at her (LAME!), and that was the end of it. It has really been bothering me since. Am I being hyper-sensitive? I know he loves me. I want a man's point of view, even if it may sting a bit. Thanks!

She was loading her SUV? That's Hot.

Oh, my dear sweet...Anonymous. You're just jumping right to the heart of the matter, aren't you? Well, bless your heart for asking, and sorry you had to, but let's do this. (And hold on to something to protect you from the angry comment flood rumbling towards us at the end)

Men are pigs. No real shock there. But I ask you all to think about what I just said. We may be metaphorically "pig-like" but we are actually wired differently than you. This will be important...stay with me.

Much like our beautiful and sensitive female counterparts, men are all different...physically and emotionally. But one thing that the vast majority of men have in common is our urge to "procreate"...and not just with one woman.

I know...again, hear me out.

Men think about attraction and sex far differently than women...but for one gender to tell the other what is right and that the other is wrong is lunacy. Men think about sex constantly, as in several thousand times a day, women don't. Men think about the physical act, and physical components, women think more in terms of the emotional element of the transaction.

Now, remember, I am not speaking for EVERY man or EVERY woman, so don't get all up in arms about that aspect...but the reality is that the male wiring has us thinking about it all...the...freaking...time. And you have to ask yourself, am I judging a man for something that is as embedded in his DNA as his hair and eye color? Or do you simply believe that everything done is by CHOICE alone? If you believe the latter, then you have to ask yourself, "How in the hell can I assume to know how a man thinks?" And don't forget to ask yourself, "Why do I think that I am simply right, and he is wrong? Right according to whom? ME? The Woman?" Do we males fully understand or appreciate how a woman is wired? We can' me, it's just that simple.

Before any of you think I am simply trying to bail out with the wiring issue, let's address the REAL factor to consider.


You see, I am also an offender. I have male-wiring, and I am visually many men. But you have to take all men and put them into two groups... men who can, and men who can't. Cheat, that is. I can be a flirt, we know this. My wife knows this. But hopefully she also knows that I fall into the category of can't, and she never has anything to worry about. But I have still managed to offend and hurt her with my "wiring" at times, as I see a pretty girl, or particular physical features I may be visually motivated by, and I have had to learn some respect.

Anonymous, you are normal to feel hurt, you are normal to be offended. You are wired to want more respect than is being shown you.

And if you are asking my advice, here it is.

If you sit next to a dog and think, "Why does he sit there with his tongue hanging out? Doesn't he know it's rude?" Well, the dog doesn't know it's rude, but we know that what we do hurts you. Tell him. Simply tell him that you know he has urges, and that he is a slave to his uncontrollable visual cortex and libido, but ask him to respect you the way that you are inadvertently respecting him by not staring at every butt, chest and package on the DILFs at the community pool. Just understand that you love him for the same set of wiring that is currently pissing you off. Asking him to turn off these urges is like asking the person who suffers from depression to "snap out of it". Pity him for being a flawed male, AND ask him to show you more respect. You are his wife and the mother of his have earned the respect you seek.

And if you are married to a cheater, I sure hope you dump his ass. the flood gates!!!!

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Deb said...

ugh, i am disgusted. that response was so male of you jay. you may have to have your lesbian status revoked. "i know you have urges..." those words will NEVER come out of my mouth. that being said, i do agree with you on the general point i THINK you were trying to make that it is really no big deal (to look, but not touch). i look at hot men myself. and hot women. and ugly men and ugly women. people interest me for a variety of reasons. you know, maybe he really liked the sweater she was wearing and wanted to get a good look at it so he could go out and purchase one for anonymous.

yes, men are pigs, but they are also adult pigs and should be able to control their "urges" (lord, i hate that word). i have genetically based urges that i constantly have to suppress (eating, shopping, ripping into dumb/mean people).

so i guess i agree with you, but am not happy about it. but please don't use the U word again. it creeps me out.

Jay @halftime lessons said...

LOL I am gonna make some friends today, I am sure...and I knew you would be first, my sweet, quick-witted friend.

and I will just point out...

RIGHT THERE. You said it.
"should be able to control their "urges""

You are comparing your FEMALE ease of being able to deal with these urges with the MALE ease of being able to deal with those urges. And you are assuming that the urges are the same, of the same intensity, and the innate ability to deal with the urges is the same...and you, being a woman, can't do that. You dont know what it is like to be a man, and and we dont understand what it is like to be a woman!!

If both genders have the ability to deal with this the same way, and we are talking about the exact same feelings and abilities for both, then why are the responses to seeing a hottie so different for men and women?

I think that we need to consider a new way of thinking about this. You can't put men on the same playing field as women for expect men to act the way YOU would in every situation is to expect them to be...women.

Anonymous said...

If you men could just figure how to look without being so obvious, it would help. It's one thing to look, and another to gawk.

I rarely catch my hubby checking someone out, but when I think I have I call him on it teasingly. It's sorta nice to know he's still got a red blooded male pulse. But.... if her were gawking at women all the time, I wouldn't like it.

AndreAnna said...

I think people need to lighten up and work on their own security issues. I'm tall, blond, and very Gap. My husband often checks out dark haired, edgier-dressed women. I can honestly say it doesn't bother me in the least. I know he loves me and finds me sexy and I'm not naive enough to believe that I am the only person in the world he is attracted to.

Yes, some men are assholes. But PEOPLE are also human.

Deb said...

yes! i expect men to be women! maybe I'M the lesbian... lol.

Jay @halftime lessons said...

No, my friend, I am the lesbian. Never forget that.

Brittany said...

Poor anonymous....I suggest keeping the current market value of potential child support/alimony on a post it stuck to the fridge, works for me!

Luanne said...

I'm going to call you Dear Abby...

I like your point about the respect thing. The urges are the same for all. Men need to learn how to respect better. They are wired to love. Women are wired to respect. That's why it is easier for us not to gawk at men. We have to work at loving. Men have to work at respecting.

Good words!

Annie said...

I'm usually the oogler in my fam! LOL

Kristina P. said...

This was very informative! And slightly longer than my own Ask Kristina post, so that makes me happy.

Oh, and men are pigs.

Rachel said...

I think this post was very well written and explained. Guys must be wired different as evidenced by the fact that they can have a completely beautiful and seemingly intelligent woman in their life and STILL oogle. Christie Brinkley...Liz Hurley. Those laides are gorgeous and successful.Thier men are still pigs. Wired different, it must be.

Oregon Elkhorns said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Oregon Elkhorns said...

OK Dr. House way to open up Pandora's Box with this one big boy. Yes we are pigs. Pigs with radar built into our system. But lets be honest both men & women sneak a peek at something attractive or interesting. It is human nature. I admit I am a knuckle dragger. I look, but I would NEVER act upon that which I see. It is merely an appreciation for the fine or finer things God created.

Hell, I asked Colleen just the other day funny enough at Costco, " So how does he look honey?" Her reply:

"Whatever." LOL

She needs to work on here peeking abilities or mix in a pair of sunglasses.

Hey Deb I got through it without even one U reference.

ali said...

Oh, Jay. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not a pig. Men aren't pigs. They're really not. Sure, y'all leave underwear lying around, dishes in the living room, poop sitting in the toilet,...wait, where was I going with this?

Tony said...

Ok Jay, (this is Tony's wife, Colleen writing, BTW) so if men are pigs and you're a man...oh, wait, you're a lesbian...then wouldn't that make you a sow?
All this just makes me laugh! People marry for a reason and that is to love, respect and appreciate wholeheartedly the one they're with. Men and women ARE wired differently and that's to be expected and accepted. It is OK to look! Hey, I enjoy looking at Tony's subscription to Playboy!

Jenni Jiggety said...

All men aren't pigs...just some.

I do like to think he has a "type" and that I am IT. Once he made a comment about how hot he thought a news anchor was and I was shocked because she was a brown haired, brown eyed hispanic woman. She was beautiful, sure...but I was all WOAH buddy, SHE can't be your type because *I* am your type.

I am admittedly the jealous and irrational type though...

Jori-O said...

Yeah, so the whole looking at another woman is irritating. I agree with Jay, though on the point of simply showing respect...her husband ran her over with the shopping cart??!? And a COSTCO shopping cart to boot--the Suburban of all shopping carts?? When "innocent" ogling yeilds severe bruising of your spouse, it's time to rein it in, buddy!

Clare said...

thank you jay for laying this all out for us...i don't know that i have ever caught the hubby in the act of looking at others. i am sure his time will come, for right now i will hold him up in my mind as the perfect man, haha!

AmySprite said...

Indeed, men and women differ on a thousand different points. I agree with your post and am thankful that my DH is not a constant looky-loo when it comes to gorgeous ladies passing by.

He heard Paul Newman say something great about this, years ago, when asked how he had managed to stay married for so long in Hollywood.... "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you come home for dinner." I'm guilty of looking and flirting, too, and as long as we both still fall in the "can't" group of marrieds, then all is OKAY. :)

brit said...

I know my husband looks & I am 100% ok with that.I am not worried about "natural urges" haha I am confident enough in myself [& with him also[ to know that neither one of us will overstep the boundary of you can look but dont touch.It is just human nature to appreciate beauty & admire it.

ktmay said...

good job with the advice.
you should make this an advice column style blog.
i must not be a normal woman, because i can't help but ogle a good looking woman either.
if i see my husband looking at a pretty woman (which isn't THAT often, but it happens) i usually just look at her too...
i might even say "she's so pretty huh?"
i know he loves ME. i know i'm pretty.
i can look at and appreciate gorgeous women without a drop of jealousy.
but sometimes we ACT like we get jealous , in a joking way.
like if josh is flipping through the channels, and a commercial comes on and it's some dude with no shirt on (does nothing for me) i might go "oh go back to that channel...what was that?"
and he'll act all mad about it.

Jamey said...

I have to agree Jay, but I think as long as it isn't a habbit, I wouldn't worry about it too much. My Hubby rarely check other females out so if it did happen it would hurt my feelings too. and I think Annonymous should let this one go, but if it becomes more often then there may be a problem, they need to discuss it.

jsprik said...

ah yes, "spoken" like a true pig, i mean man. lol you have a good point here, jay. as much as i hate to admit it. men are wired differently than woman. BUT men do need to realize that we as women are often insecure about ourselves, as it is, without them walking around with their mouths hanging open , tongues wagging and drool pooling on the ground beneath them!! it is all about respect!! we don't need to be reminded about how we have maybe gained a few pounds or we have to work a little harder at hiding our lines and wrinkles, we are fully aware of this!!! AND in closing... most of our husbands are not as young or buff as they once were , either!!!!!!!

Cheryl said...

I caught this late. My ex would look at another woman at the mall etc.. and say..."did you see the tits on that one???" Lovely,...*eyeroll* LOL

posthumous pointer
To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson