Sunday, November 9, 2008

Sunday, Bloody Sunday...in Real Time


I have often complained of the weekend, particularly of the days when my wife works, and I am left to calm the herd. So today I will be taking you through the day on my blog...a moment by moment account of the action. And yes, I am aware that I am probably making the day worse by taking my eye off the ball. I make this sacrifice in the name of entertainment. Check back throughout the day...the action may be fast and furious. I welcome your comments of support or criticism throughout the day...Hope you enjoy. (Remember, tomorrow is MISSION: Monday with a great new giveaway!!)



Jay's Selfishness, Sarcasm, & Negativity Real-Time Feed



7:20pm   Lights out. Crossing the finish line. The irony of today has been that I set out to show you what a complete and utter disaster Sundays are, and of course, end up having a pretty damn good one, relatively speaking. Regardless, I still am sitting here feeling like I got hit by a Babies-R-Us truck, but on the grand scale of weekends, not too shabby. Now it's time to clean the kitchen, and prepare the Sunday night grocery shopping list...am I the only husband you know that goes grocery shopping by himself on Sunday nights? Pretty sure I am... Thanks to all of you for coming along for the ride today, and for your words of encouragement and condescension. ;-)

7:18pm   Reading C her story...a LONG story about Fuzzy the rabbit...gets all the way to the last page and asks...
"Who is Fuzzy?
"Um...the rabbit?"
"Oh." Thinks for a minute...
"Why did I get 2 treats today?"
"Because you were a very good girl again today."
"YAY!! Tomorrow I am gonna be a REALLY good girl."
It would appear that today I taught my daughter about commerce. And bribery.

7:00pm   Putting B to bed...brushed his teeth, read his fav book...carrying him over to his crib and...spits up red Jello. Back to changing table, brushing teeth again, ignoring smell of baby vomit. Didnt seem to bother him, and I sure know I loved it.

6:18pm   C just saw the picture of her and B and said, "Awwwww, we're so cute!!!"

6:00pm   Ahh, Mr. Murphy...SO predictable to see you. Thanks so much for encouraging B to spill an entire carton of milk on himself...really...nice move.

5:45pm   Jello. There's always room for Jello. Check to make sure I am pulling the non-Stoli variety out of the fridge for the kids...

5:15pm   Dinner run...scream, laugh, scream, laugh, scream. Ordering dinner has never been so easy with the category 4 hurricane in the back seat.

4:15pm   Just bribed the kids to eat frozen peas for a snack instead of fig newtons or worse...told them I would take them to eat a special dinner if they ate their peas...again contributing to the weight problem in this country by making food a struggle AND a reward.

4:10pm   hey! Jenny J just gave me an award, the world's LARGEST, in fact...I may have to start a whole new blog to simply accommodate it!

4:00pm   Wassup, pimp. I dont think B understands about "bling" yet. But certainly the dog will be thrilled that the kids are using the dog toys to entertain themselves, and STILL no one is playing with the dog.

3:45pm   Um...ok..found them.

3:40pm   C was sweet and got to have a treat, B woke up crying, but quickly resolved with the right book on the changing table...Ok, seriously, this is the frickin twilight zone...where are my CRAPPY kids?

3:20pm   What the...a 2.5 hour NAP??!! This day is lookin' UP!! (maybe I went a little heavy on the benadryl...)

12:30pm   Both kids down for nap without issue...maybe I'll just...ZZZZZZZZZZ

11:55am   Lunch. Don't ask me what they ate. At some point Child Protective Services will be FORCED to act.

11:25am   Tried a walk around the block...the neighbors came out to see what the screaming was about. Took them back to the house, and re-shackled them.

10:48am   C yells out of bathroom "Do you want me to wipe, or you wipe?"
"You wipe", I reply.
"I already did."
"Then...why...never mind.."

10:20am   2 tantrums...here we go. One snack related, one missing mommy, which is a sure sign of suspect male parenting.

10:00am    Ok...2 kids up, one breakfast, one snack, and just realized I have not ingested anything yet this morning. Start with coffee, see how it goes. So far so good, giving the morning a B- so far. Apart from the 3:30 fiasco...pretty optimistic of me, huh?

9:10am    Fishtooters. Big one.

9:09am   Ok...B has been asleep for 15 hours and Nana freaked me out about that, so we are going to wake him up.


8:32   C finished dressing and redressing. Very proud. Hello Kitty? Check. Hanna Montana? Check. Anti-psychotic washed down with sodium bicarb? Check. Waiting patiently for Nana to call...we LOVE us some Nana. Wait...just realized I am being a selfish cheap bastard...calling Nana now.


8:27am   Wife calls...no explanation for the lack of kiss. Sweet of her to spare my feelings. She must have been focused on keeping her makeup fresh for someone at work...note to self...hire P.I.

8:25   C wants to paint. Translation: C wants to get paint everywhere and cause B to throw a fit during breakfast because he wants to put his hand in paint.

7:35am   C wants english muffin, dog wants out of bed. Everybody wants something. Leave me the hell alone. Get muffins out of freezer in freezing garage, stand with dog out in freezing cold to verify we have poopage. Gonna HAVE to put on more clothes...

7:16am   C walks out of office, and then rips off her first string of "fish tooters", as she calls them. Turns around, giggles. First of many.

7:15am   C wanders into office to ask: "Do you want me to get dressed?"
"You can if you want", I reply.
"No, Dad, I asked you a question."
It's official, she IS my daughter.

6:34am   Into the living room to remove pullup. C has clearly invited friends over during the night to help her fill it...brimming...

6:31am   C is coming down the stairs, and will throw the first fit of the day if she doesn't get to say goodbye to wife. Grab her, run outside in the freezing cold for kiss. MAJOR crisis averted.

6:30am   Wife says goodbye, but no kiss. Breath must be simply horrific.

6:15am   Wife is trying to hack her way through the vanity with her hairspray can...I am sure of it. Hairdryer is the loudest available on the market.

5:30am   Wife gets up for work. Starts 30 minute shower. Sleep is now fitful at best.

3:30am   B wakes up and starts screaming. Wife rolls over, slaps me, tells me to go see what's wrong. Get out of bed in a sleep-interrupted stupor. Make it to the bottom of the stairs. B stops crying, goes back to sleep. Step on toy. Back to bed.



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23 comments:

Denise said...

Your house sounds as crazy as mine. Keep us posted...

Jenni Jiggety said...

Oh my...I will have to stay tuned.

You would be SO jealous of my morning...I woke up in an empty house and had peace and quiet. Of course, I earned it by being violently ill last night at about 1am...

Oh and I have an award for you today. Maybe it will cheer you up? Probably not...

Eudea-Mamia said...

This is getting tattooed on my body somewhere...

"Everybody wants something. Leave me the hell alone."

Buck up camper, mama will be home soon enough. And then you can crawl into your closet and chug the boxed wine hidden under the dirty laundy.

What? Didn't know that's how the rest of the SAHMs stay sane?

Em

jill jill bo bill said...

I am cracking up!!! Hope your day contines to spin out of control for our entertainment. Em is so right. Wine is a healer of multiple issues. Xanax helps too. I will be back, just to make sure you haven't committed any crimes. I would offer good luck, but then I wouldn't laugh later. Sorry, Jay. It's all about me today...

Liz said...

You are too funny - My hubby is getting a kick out of this as well (I think out of sympathy)

Deb said...

okay, NOW i am getting worried...

Soxy Deb said...

This all sounds like a typical day to me. Do you need me to pick you up some more Benadryl?? You DONT wanna run out of that stuff.

Chitown Meg said...

ahhhh....the joys of marriage AND having children :) I'm glad I'm still single and without kids :) I think I'll revel in being my single 28 year old self for awhile LOL.

Rachel said...

LOL -- I'd feel sorry for you but I LOVE it when Hubby gets to be a single parent for a day. It's nice for you guys to see what we go through day by day!

Hang in there -- you'll make it and so will the kiddos.

Brittany said...

It's a good thing you have the wife you do, because you sound like me, and if two people like us got married, and had kids...it'd be scary.

HeatherY said...

Makes me nervous about leaving my hubs alone with the kid. Sounds like a regular day around here. Although at least you got a 2.5 hr nap. I'm so jealous. Maybe I should get my hands on some benadryl.

amelia bedelia said...

I think it sounds like a good day....my day, you ask? ok, I am officially a good friend! I helped her clean out her garage.

ktmay said...

heavens to betsy....i do not miss those days at all. poo diapers? GRODY to the max....man, when my kids were little- people would say "enjoy it. they grow up so fast"...i wanted to slap those people sometimes.
don't get me wrong, i loved rocking my babies to sleep, holding them, reading to them, etc. etc. but things are so much easier now. they read to me. they are becoming self-sufficient. they can make their own meals!!!
no poo diapers, wiping butts, constant demands...

Luanne said...

wow...that was some day...glad you made it through!! Sleeping beauty she is!

jill jill bo bill said...

Frozen peas? Was the frozen spinach to dificult to break up? That cracks me UP!!!! frozen peas....poor babies.....

Kristen Zirkle said...

There are plenty of Sundays Brent has gone shopping after the kids are in bed. Are you sure you guys are really grocery shopping???

Very nice Sunday. And I only called CPS that one time I swear. ;)

Marrid66 said...

You have some of the cutest children!

Karen aka marrid66

Here On Columbia Avenue

Da Boss And Bryguy

4 Cats Make Me Crazy!

Christina said...

Your kids are adorable. Fishtooters is my new favorite word...ever!

jori-o said...

Congratulations on surviving a Sunday Without Mom. Good job! ;)

Beadiful Things said...

Just another day in paradise.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

They always seem a lot sweeter when they are sleeping. I like how you like them to a category 4 hurricane in the back of the van... My van looks like a hurricane has been through it. And the fly that buzzed lazily around inside of it today after the heat started up made me think that perhaps it was time for a cleaning. Ugh.

p.s. I am feeling very slow on the uptake, but what the hell is a "meme" and why do I see it on so many blogs. And thank you for not expecting your readers to meme (maybe, depending on what it is).

HappyHourSue said...

That was hilarious... "we loves us some Nana".

Livin' the dream, right?

Clare said...

love your post of your day, i must do this!! it is just funny and you always make me laugh. why are you grocery shopping alone, very jealous. need to start leaving bradley and grocery shop by myself!!

posthumous pointer
To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson