Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Somebody seriously owes me for this one.


Deb over at DirtySocksandPizza is in the process of pulling a winner for MISSION: Monday...go see who won...

And then come back and behold...The Suburban Fotie.



During these tough economic times, we should all be looking out for one another. Today, I introduce you to Oak Leaf Merlot, from the slightly liberal but always beautiful state of Northern KAH-LEE-FO-NYA.

What makes this wine so special, you might ask? Why should I break away from my Clos-du-Bois, my Menage-a Trois, or my Mad Dog 20 20? Why should I put stock in any wine that you claim to be entirely drinkable and even downright pleasant?

Don't take it from me, take it from Frickin' Sam Walton himself.

That's right, my skeptical friends...read it and weep.

Wal-Mart, $2.88


As in, twofrickineightyeight, yo. As in, I felt ridiculous pouring it in anything but a paper cup, but I dressed the pig anyway.

Don't believe me. Pay $14 a bottle for your preferred label. OR...you COULD pull a switcheroo with your regular swill, and see if your hubby can even tell the diff. Watch his face light up when you tell him the price. And then build a small shrine in the corner of your dining room to a guy you have never met, and who didn't steer you wrong.

And finally, to my non-imbibing friends, I know this may not appeal to you. Fortunately, soon enough there will be a national, government run healthcare plan that will enable me to quit my job and accept the free healthcare paid for by hard working honest and sober Americans like yourselves. Free healthcare that will be IN ADDITION to the ALREADY FREE healthcare that the underprivileged in our country enjoy. Thanks for looking out for me...it was killing me having to get up and go to work everyday to pay for my own healthcare coverage. When the Vodka and Oak Leaf turn my umbrella-sized liver that final shade of magenta, I will be so grateful that I didn't have to pay for my own medical costs. Not to mention I have LOVED how our China-sized government bureaucracy has run Social Security, Medicare, and the Welfare system. Can't WAIT for them to get their grubby paws on healthcare.

And before you softies fire off a nasty comment, know this: I LIKE Obama. I didn't vote for him, but I LIKE him, and I HOPE for him. At the same time, I simply don't agree with some of his solutions for our country. (And to be further fair, I don't agree with a bunch of the Republican agenda either) But one thing is for sure...if it wasn't enough for our taxes to cover county hospitals before, now we may get to pay even MORE to insure the uninsured. Make me a believer, President-Elect Obama. If you are going to create another national entitlement program to go with our current list of failed/ing national entitlement programs, make us one that WORKS, and that we can be proud of.

Until then, my plan is to quit work, buy cheap wine, and enjoy the good life.

With the money I am gonna be saving on alcohol and x-rays, I should have enough for a rockin' funeral.


"Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own"--Jonathan Swift

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33 comments:

Eudea-Mamia said...

You might want to invest in one of those breathalizer keyboards - not that I don't LOVE sassy political banter - you know I do, but if my stats are any indication, I've taken a hit after I became less "bipartisan."

And WV is after me - a complete Socialist plot. Or maybe it's the Patriot Act?

I was off to Walmart this morning to just get coffee filters, but I'm totally checking out the wine section to see if I can find that stuff in white. I'll let you guys know.

Consider shrine in progress.

Em

Jay @halftime lessons said...

There's a white too!

AndreAnna said...

MERLOT = Man, Everyone Really Loves Orrible Thangovers.

Natalie said...

It's times like these that I wish I didn't live in the Bible belt. I love the South, most of the time. We have mild winters, a wonderful accent & great football. One of the few downsides is not being able to buy anything but beer in our grocery stores.

And I am also curious to see how our new President Elect will be able to create a working government run program. It has never been before, so I guess there's a first for everything.

Denise said...

Now Im sad....Walmart doesnt sell liquor or wine in our state or any of our neighboring states either. Crap!

iheartbowheads.blogspot.com said...

ok that made me laugh out loud - I love the way you write!

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

I must admit I prefer beer over wine but for $2.88 a bottle I might consider becoming a convert!

As far as government run health care goes...I am right there with you, Jay.

Beadiful Things said...

Politically, you sound like my husband (except he's a lot less tactful which has made for some unpleasant conversations in our house). As a lifelong democrat (albeit inching closer and closer to the middle of the road as I age), though, I agree with you! I get nervous when I think about how the government wants more of our money to squander. Even when it's for the noblest of causes, when it's mishandled and bungled up by too much bureaucracy, the country just gets pissed.

I think, coming from Holland though, that some of Obama's concepts seemed less outrageous to me/us than to others, maybe. What's wrong with healthcare for everyone? I think it sounds great. I just don't know how to make it happen! And neither does anyone else.

Eternal Sunshine said...

Yay for $2.88 wine!!

And Amen to all that other stuff...

Eudea-Mamia said...

Jay - be still my beating heart. See you at Walmart!

Em

Jenni Jiggety said...

We still have some pesky Blue Laws here that prevent wine from being sold at our Walmart.

I am totally with you politically but you are WAY NICER about it which is why I won't blog about it. If you don't have anything nice to say...

jsprik said...

i'm still cringing over the whole free healthcare thing...my husband daughter and i all have medicaid right now. my husband lost his job of 12 years at the USPS (with witch WE supported people who could not afford health insurance, for WHATEVER reason)in 2005 because he couldn't drive the 40 miles one way to work after watching my son die in a horrific car accident we were all in November 5,2004. He did get a job after that but now he makes 8 frickin dollars an hour ( 1/3 of what he used to make) and has NO benefits (federal jobs have great insurance plans)!!! the USPS had no compassion whatsoever in our case. we did not qualify for medicaid until this year, so last year when i had to have a radical hysterectomy, we had to pay the $10,000 that wasn't covered. The only reason we didn't have to pay for all of it is because one of the tools the Dr. used BROKE during my surgery so they paid $6,000 of it so i wouldn't sue their negligent azzes!!! btw, my husband is the hardest working man i know and it took me forever to convince him to apply for medicaid, but we had to have insurance so......

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I say that during these tough times (that are just getting tougher) I appreciate it when someone steps forward to shine a beacon of light... illuminating rare deals like a hearty merlot that can be enjoyed for less than it would cost to buy a party-size bag of fritos, or two gallons of gas. In these dark, dark days we can thank God that Jay is watching out for his minions of bargain-hunting blog-followers. THANK YOU JAY!!!!

Kristina P. said...

Hey, I was planning on quitting my job too in January!

Off to buy a big screen TV now!

Annie said...

Jay- When Obama proves you wrong, you can buy this shit by the case, big dog! :)

Meredith said...

I love this wine! I have been buying it for a while now. I take it to dinner parties and no one believes it is 2.88.

And I also agree with the government healthcare issue. I have no problem with medicaid for those who need it, but when I worked in a dentist office in a very poor county I was disgusted by what I saw. Mothers driving Lexus SUVs with 6 kids, all with different last names, no job, living off medicaid and welfare!
When this becomes impossible I will agree with government healthcare for all. But it will never happen, there will always be tolorated abuse of the system.

amelia bedelia said...

i'm with ya! I'll bring the wine. where shall we meet, your house or mine!

Christina said...

There are people who don't imbibe? Blasphemy!

Tony said...

Walmart is the devil. Thankfully we Portlanders have not allowed this cess pool of a retailer to enter our fine city. The nearest one is 30 miles away and I have vowed never to step foot inside the molten walls. But hey enjoy your findings bro.

jill jill bo bill said...

And you promise it's better than the Box wine? I may run into you AND Em at WalMart. Especially since they have it in white!

And I just want to say I will right beside you in line at the food stamp counter when I give up my business to have all the goodies. I am tired anyway and wanted to become a professional drunk.

sassy stephanie said...

Whoa. That may become my new mommy juice.

Luanne said...

I refuse to set foot in our disgusting Walmart here...too bad Target doesn't sell wine....

kwr221 said...

Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure Walmart doesn't sell wine in NY state.

If it did, I might switch from Target. :-)

Whitney R said...

Socialized Health Care...

I have a bone to pick with you.

I see you do, too.

Thank heavens.

Girl Friday said...

From someone who pays nearly $1200 a month in medical "coverage" and still has collections due for medical bills because there IS no farking coverage, I would be open to just about ANYTHING right about now. It's baffling to me that change equates to Socialism.

Sigh.

Candice said...

You are a cheap drunk. That, my friend, I can appreciate.

It's a damn shame that I'm not a wine drinker or else I would have to consider putting up with screaming children, fat people on scooters, and trashy white people with obscene BO for a bottle or two or three..

Cheers!

Paige said...

If you like the cheap wine, I have to hook you up with the cheap champagne that I can down via the bottle. mm mmm good, it is no dom perignon, but it is way better than lots of them and is like 4 bucks a bottle.

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

HILARIOUS!! I like Obama too and I really hope for him! But my hubs is going to love the walmart wine b/c that is where i am gong!!

Susie said...

$2.88??? I may have to check that out!!

Wendyburd1 said...

WINO!! I meant JAy!! LOL....ahhhh nuff said! heehee

Sometimes Sophia said...

Walmart... ? I'm making a pilgrimmage today.

Kelly said...

I am not much of a wine drinker but at those prices, I might give it a try! Thanks! Completely agree with your "political rant" Didn't vote for Obamba, but I HOPE he can make the "change" the country needs!

Shanna said...

This is SO ironic. The Man and I were looking for a 'good' bottle of wine the other day and despite the fact that he told me HE'D been told this brand was good, I insisted on another and we wound up dumping it out. It was that bad. SO now we'll go back, because you say so, and spend the measly $2.88 to try this out. You better be right! ;)

posthumous pointer
To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson