Thursday, November 20, 2008

WW- How to eat chocolate when no one is watching.


I couldn't find inspiration in the topics that MamaKat had outlined today, so I am creating my own. Call it marching to the beat of my own drum, call it childish insolence, whatever. I call this topic, "how to find a private moment with your best friend."

1. Location - selecting your environment is crucial. Pick a location that will allow for noise, but also will allow you the time needed to move through all the steps without interruption. I prefer the kitchen which has quick access to a deep trash can, and allows me a field of vision that will alert me to intruders. But certainly the privacy of your car works as well.

2. Variety and Quantity - This is personal preference, and certainly the quantity is between you, your God, your arteries, and your life coach. When it comes to chocolate, I prefer "brown", and all that it encompasses. Just no nuts. Nuts are a distraction. Creamy center? Absolutely. Amend the nut comment- Cadbury Fruit and Nut.

I also prefer the small, individually wrapped sort, the kind you put in the holiday bowl for when your guests come over, but that have to be refilled because you put them out WAY too far in advance of guests. I like the small ones, since you can have it in your mind that you are just going to have four, but then you accidentally grabbed five, it's strangely...ok. And you can always go back to the bowl...you know...for dessert.

3. Preparation - Whatever you do, DO NOT unwrap them all at once. If you do this, and then are tempted to pop them in your mouth one at a time, you will be melting chocolate with your fingers. Bad move. Melting is the mouth's work. Instead, unwrap them one at a time, popping each in it's turn in your mouth.

Do you know why this is so crucial? It's about TEXTURE. I'll explain.

4. Execution - Especially in the case of Hershey's Kisses or simple bricks of plain dark chocolate, rate and quantity are the key. The moment of bliss will come when you can feel the first piece melting and running around your gums, and then you throw one last virgin piece on top of the others, creating a mouthful of chocolate in varying stages of decomposition. At this point, savor, but don't swallow. And PRAY that no one comes in the room, necessitating flushing your Picasso down the esophageal toilet.

Swallow in sections now, releasing what you need to in order to in order to explore the remaining treasure. Work at a speed that is comfortable for you and your hiatal hernia, and sadly finish. Realize that your hand has been gripped around the empty wrappers for the past seven minutes, and place them down the side of the brimming trash can so as to avoid their detection.

5. Repeat - If you think that your time is still in abundance, along with your needs, you may repeat the above steps. Depending on how many times you return to the bowl, make a note to buy a replacement bag tomorrow so as to avoid any inquisition.

6. Milk. - Finally, when your palate has moved into the post-coital aftermath stage, drink milk from the gallon jug off the door of the fridge. This will be a pleasure in itself, but will also aid in the hiding of evidence. Swish it around. Swallow. Sigh. Head upstairs to the bathtime screams, and try not to think about the pimples packing their bags excitedly for their vacation at Your Face.


I can already hear my wife's words as I finish reading this instructional:

"You really do this??"




Thanks to the lovely MamaKat for her creation of the Writer's Workshop, and for setting the stage for this pathetic confessional.


Stumble Upon Toolbar

28 comments:

Ali said...

No, no, no, Jay. You slather a chocolate bar with peanut butter, savor, and skip the milk, Caffeine Free Diet Dr. Pepper is the way to go.

Jay @halftime lessons said...

Wow Ali...I'd be on the crapper for a week if I treated my colon like you do.

Wait...sorry...didnt mean to judge...we are supposed to be supporting each other...I'll totally hold your hair when you puke.

kel said...

No dark chocolate.. ewww! Milk choclate all the way baby! Sweet post, Jay. (get it? sweet? as in chocolate? am I brining the point home here? overkill?)

Michelle said...

Oh you "Maverick" you!

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

There is something incredible hot about a guy willing to profess his love for chocolate in such a, er, detailed fashion.

I can say, without a doubt, you got some set a big ballz on you, Jay. And I'm not talkin' about those chocolate salty balls, just the nuts. ;-)

Tony said...

I felt like you just stepped inside my mind and ripped this passage out. I sadly do this routine. I am told there is no help program. So I continue without guilt on my path of indulgence.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I keep pricy bars of dark chocolate hidden in a shoe box in my closet. When I want some I go in there and sit on the floor, hidden by the hanging shirts and nibble my way through a few squares

Kristina P. said...

This is too funny! I literally just put away the bag of milk chocolate chips I was munching on.

Oh, and stay tuned for a very special chocolate post tomorrow.

Deb said...

omg... you had me at "location".

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

mmmm. now I want chcolate...and I do hide it from the kids/gh.

Tabitha Blue said...

Nicely put... I'm with ya on the nut thing, and the milk thing, and the unwrapping one at a time (or maybe two, if you feel dangerous)... yeah, it all sounds really good to me. And now I'm off to ravage my holiday bowl... thanks.

:)

Miranda said...

lol I have to agree with Ali.. except with the peanut butter thing, I prefer plain old Hershey's Milk Chocolate.. Yummy! Now I need to go get me some chocolate. :)

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

Hilarious and true. I feel that chocolate is always better when no one is watching and it is so thrilling to sneek it and not get caught! It makes me feel so naughty! But I have say I like nuts...in my chocolate, get your mind out of the gutter!

Eudea-Mamia said...

Wow.

I think I need a shower.

VERY good! You wife is a lucky lady if you take this much time with just chocolate.

Em

Brittany said...

I eat mine sitting in the bottom of my closet with a nightlight, drinking sprite and hiding the wrappers in a shoe box. It's my me time.

Annie said...

Hmmm...not a chocolate candy or cake fan, but I do loves me some brownies!

Jen said...

perfect.

Elizabeth said...

you are crackin' me up!

Lacey in the Sky said...

Wow, I don't know Jay ... I'm a little concerned for your wifey. This "friendship" you have with chocolate seems like it could be turning into something more. Wanna hear something freaky?

I AM THE GIRL THAT DOESN'T LIKE CHOCOLATE.

La Pixie said...

I love nuts. I need nuts. chocolate isnt chocolate without nuts.

agree to disagree??

p.s. milk tastes WAY better if you drink it straight from the carton. dont tell my mom that I said that!

Sometimes Sophia said...

One word: Godiva
Two words: Dove dark.
Three words: Lindt hazelnut truffles.
Five words: Mom, where are you hiding it?

Jay, you're the bomb.

Jenners said...

Stopping by on my tour of MamaKat's writing assignments. As a fellow Chocoholic, I appreciate your technique. Privacy is paramount ... you really don't want anyone else to see what really goes down ... or the true quantity. I'm someone who buys my Halloween candy early...on purpose...and then has to go out on Halloween to rebuy all the candy that I already ate. I prefer dark chocolate but will go with milk in a pinch. White chocolate is an abomination. And I will confess here...I ate an entire KING SIZE candy bar today. By myself. In less than an hour.

Frogs in my formula said...

Was this post really about eating chocolate? Er, um, I feel...violated. In a good way. A Dr. Goodbar kinda way.

Annie said...

Don't hate me because I MEMED YOU! Tag!

br8eyes said...

Thank you for sharing. Now, excuse me while I go get my chocolate...mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Wendyburd1 said...

I LOVED this Jay, very helpful. And I was SO relieved when you ammended for the Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar, It is a weakness!!

Cadbury here USED to have individual chocolates with caramel inside wrapped in gold...they are GONE! I want to weep!!

Oh and Lindt truffle balls....ohhh the milk chocolate ones, the mint.... I SO need some chocolate now! Thanks JAY!!

Debbie said...

So is it just universal that parents sneak and hide to eat certain things? Makes me wonder what my parents kept from me. I think I'm mad at them.

Mama Kat said...

Let me get this straight...you make up your own assignment...it doesn't have anything to do with any of the prompts I gave...and you're still calling it my assignment??

Next week I'm gonna give the prompts and then be like, "but if you don't like these go ask Jay for a back up plan"...you can be the substitute teacher.

I thought only women liked chocolate...I'm beginning to wonder about you.

posthumous pointer
To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson