WW- How to eat chocolate when no one is watching.

I couldn't find inspiration in the topics that MamaKat had outlined today, so I am creating my own. Call it marching to the beat of my own drum, call it childish insolence, whatever. I call this topic, "how to find a private moment with your best friend."

1. Location - selecting your environment is crucial. Pick a location that will allow for noise, but also will allow you the time needed to move through all the steps without interruption. I prefer the kitchen which has quick access to a deep trash can, and allows me a field of vision that will alert me to intruders. But certainly the privacy of your car works as well.

2. Variety and Quantity - This is personal preference, and certainly the quantity is between you, your God, your arteries, and your life coach. When it comes to chocolate, I prefer "brown", and all that it encompasses. Just no nuts. Nuts are a distraction. Creamy center? Absolutely. Amend the nut comment- Cadbury Fruit and Nut.

I also prefer the small, individually wrapped sort, the kind you put in the holiday bowl for when your guests come over, but that have to be refilled because you put them out WAY too far in advance of guests. I like the small ones, since you can have it in your mind that you are just going to have four, but then you accidentally grabbed five, it's strangely...ok. And you can always go back to the bowl...you know...for dessert.

3. Preparation - Whatever you do, DO NOT unwrap them all at once. If you do this, and then are tempted to pop them in your mouth one at a time, you will be melting chocolate with your fingers. Bad move. Melting is the mouth's work. Instead, unwrap them one at a time, popping each in it's turn in your mouth.

Do you know why this is so crucial? It's about TEXTURE. I'll explain.

4. Execution - Especially in the case of Hershey's Kisses or simple bricks of plain dark chocolate, rate and quantity are the key. The moment of bliss will come when you can feel the first piece melting and running around your gums, and then you throw one last virgin piece on top of the others, creating a mouthful of chocolate in varying stages of decomposition. At this point, savor, but don't swallow. And PRAY that no one comes in the room, necessitating flushing your Picasso down the esophageal toilet.

Swallow in sections now, releasing what you need to in order to in order to explore the remaining treasure. Work at a speed that is comfortable for you and your hiatal hernia, and sadly finish. Realize that your hand has been gripped around the empty wrappers for the past seven minutes, and place them down the side of the brimming trash can so as to avoid their detection.

5. Repeat - If you think that your time is still in abundance, along with your needs, you may repeat the above steps. Depending on how many times you return to the bowl, make a note to buy a replacement bag tomorrow so as to avoid any inquisition.

6. Milk. - Finally, when your palate has moved into the post-coital aftermath stage, drink milk from the gallon jug off the door of the fridge. This will be a pleasure in itself, but will also aid in the hiding of evidence. Swish it around. Swallow. Sigh. Head upstairs to the bathtime screams, and try not to think about the pimples packing their bags excitedly for their vacation at Your Face.


I can already hear my wife's words as I finish reading this instructional:

"You really do this??"

Thanks to the lovely MamaKat for her creation of the Writer's Workshop, and for setting the stage for this pathetic confessional.