Saturday, November 22, 2008

Snip, Snip, Waddle

So, let's talk about this vasectomy thing.

And I fully understand that the vast majority of you reading this are women, and the obvious reactions and comments will involve comparisons to childbirth, hysterectomies, menstrual cramps, chronic UTIs, LEEPs, and something about making bread. I get that you have it worse, and better, and that you are simply better creatures. I get it.

But today, I want to ask you to put on your phallus and stepchildren (figuratively), look down at your new boy junk as you might normally gaze upon your own girl bits, (and I know you do this, I married one of you) and consider the following scenario.

You are standing in the procedure room with your Urologist and a pretty nurse with nothing between them and your insecurities but a wafer-thin cotton shroud. Despite having spent your life trying to protect your treasure trove from random eyes and injury, here you stand today having given permission to a guy with multiple needles and a small knife to approach your babymaker with intent to maim.

The shroud goes up, and despite the number of times you told yourself that you would not watch the expression of the pretty nurse when door number 1 went up to reveal the 9:30am prize, you look. And though you told your wife that she would be the last woman to gaze upon your self-importance outside of the morgue, today nurse Betty gets to see what 6 months of anticipation and a cold procedure room do to the male form. Blissfully, the shrinkage and scenario force a joke into your mind long enough to miss whatever reaction Betty had to your offering:

"It's like a penis, only smaller."

We turn our attention to Dr. Scalpel, who is intent on avoiding your concerns, and has produced a needle, which he takes under the tent for a little crowd warmup before the main event. Only the needle has brought a friend as well...hellfire. It's a party now.

Next Dr. Beelzebub reaches for his knife, which you immediately think is WAY too small to be a threat, and then quickly scold yourself for wishing for a LARGER cutting untinsel. Shame on you, moron. There are scissors, some snipping, some cutting, sawing, retrieval, more snipping, tying, some origami, and one blowtorch.

One blowtorch.

"Is it that much of a threat to you, Dr. Jellyfinger? When I was here 6 months ago and you had your arm in my rectum up to the elbow playing proctological hand puppets, you don't think you did enough damage to my self-esteem? Now you want to play matchmaker for your blowtorch and my scrotum?"

As you are standing there drawing a mental image of Dr. Kevorkian's early demise, the sickening smell of burning flesh enters your olfactory awareness, a small wisp of smoke escapes the tent, nurse Betty grimaces ever-so-slightly, and a voice rises from below:

"Don't mind me, I'm just having a weenie roast."

How many times have you said that one, you sick bastard...head swimming now, dizzy, concerned looks, helping you back into your clothes, and some reassuring notes from the doctor...

"We're gonna need you to come back in 4 weeks to give us a sample to make sure everything...took."


Pushing you towards the door now, the 9:35am cutting board is already in the hall. Hands you a copy of your disclaimer and, you assume, your warranty...and directing you to the window to PAY for all of the above.

Now, ladies, I have never had a vasectomy. The wife is asking, and I am considering...but all of the above is what my mind has done to the prospect of being gelded. Will somebody hold my hand? Emotionally, that is...Betty doesnt need more female companionship in the procedure room.

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Madge said...

any man that goes through that deserves all the support he can get. it sounds horrible...

Kristen Zirkle said...

Just go buy the frozen peas and do it already.

Anonymous said...

Buy the frozen peas like pp said and hang in there. My husband had complications that they couldn't find something and ended up doing the close up without anaesthetic and even he said it truly wasn't that bad. He was up and around within 2 days post. You can do it.

Girl Friday said...

I, of course, would hold your hand but just know after having two kids with zero drugs and losing all sense of pride or vanity in the process I won't be overly sympathetic.


Eudea-Mamia said...

The happiest moment of my husband's life was the morning our second son joined the world.

Why might you ask, you know besides the whole miracle child thing?

Because I had to have a repeat c-section, and his comment to me was "well, since the doc is already in there..." Nice.

I took one for the team. Now step up to the plate and be a man. Have yourself one of those Tito Diet Sunkists before hand, and one cooling in the cup holder for the ride home.

Because you really have to ask yourself, which scnerio is scarier: 1) your imaginary post playing out, or 2) two little lines?

Have Candice take you - she'll make it fun.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Man up, Jay! :-D

Tenakim said...

I have a lot of friends that have had it done and they say it was no big deal. Now my husband flat refuses. He had a gal bladder removed 2 weeks ago and, though it was pretty much out-patient and uncomplicated, he is still "healing"- I don't see the big deal- women are tougher! Maegan said...

can't you just continue to pull out? why the knives?

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

DH claims there was no blow torch involved in his vasectomy, so there is one worry of your mind.

Oh, and he was raring to go & put equipment to use within 48 hours, so I'm guessing recovery is fairly quick.

Jay @halftime lessons said...

Madge- what a sympathetic sould you are...Thanks!

Kristen - heartless wench. Maybe I should just have the doc use a melon spoon too, eh?

Oh HELL no.

Nannette- I knew it...the ol' "My womb hurts more than your sack" argument...fine...

EM- I LOVE where your head is at...alcohol in the car for the ride home...OUTSTANDING IDEA.
You really think my wife would let Candice take me? Pretty sure my wife is dramatically smarter than that. Not to mention Candice would have my stitches popping from laughing so hard... "Turn around, Candice, we got a bleeder..."

Jiggy- sigh...I will right after one good cry.

Tena- No question women are tougher. Props to your hubby for drawing the line.

Maegan - welcome to the party! Been a stalker of yours for months! And pull out? Ever seen what happens to a fire hose when you let go? No thanks.

Stacey- 48 hours? You mean he timed his vasectomy that close to his semi-annual conjugal visit?

Deb said...

if you would have married someone your own damn age, this wouldn't be an issue. countdown to menopause would already be on and you could just ride it out (figuratively speaking, of course).

this is your punishment for marrying a younger woman!

Frogs in my formula said...

Know what's nuts (pun intended)? I just visited someone's blog off of your site and when I went to leave them a comment I saw the word verification and I heard this "teacher teacher" voice in my head--like I should come back here and tattle on them. Goodness.

Wep said...

I could never ask my huz to do that...I mean if you are in having a C anyway, sure. But YIKES, I'm with Megan, just pull out and hope for the best.

Tony said...

Ok pal, let me see if I can offer some insight and advice as a Man/ Husband/ Father who has taken this steely knife journey. I am not one who cares for sharp object near my prized tools, but this is not as bad as it seems if you get the right doc. After Jordan my son was born, the agreement was that I would do this. Honestly, not as bad as it seems. yes the hot nurse does not help the process, but once you get past the initial injection of Marcain in each of your boyz it is a breeze. But yeah that process is not a great deal of fun to say the least. On the up side Colleen picked me up and the Doc told her that she had to ensure I rest on the couch for the weekend. So multiple rounds of frozen peas and or ice packs , beer, pain meds and being treated like the King I am was a great feeling for a weekend. Just pick a weekend with good football games of your fav. movies you will be fine. Actually shooting blanks ups the monthly sex ratio as well. Think about it bro. :-)

Chitown Meg said...

YIKES! Thanks for the story...hang in there...sounds traumatic.

Anonymous said...

your not gonna like it, but I just can't muster up any pity for vasectomy patients. It's the least you guys could do. One embarrassing, undignifying moment in a paper gown?? We have that ALL the time.

Can we still be friends? lol.

sassy stephanie said...

Oh poo. Buy a few bags of frozen peas and take it like a man! Mine did. Finally. After months of coaxing.

Oh, and a friend of mine. Two boys. They were done. D.U.N. done. He had "it" done. Never went back for the check in/check up. Their daughter just turned three.

Linda S said...

this looks like a fun place..I'll be back for the results for sure...

Beadiful Things said...

Listen, I would've handled this myself, but I had my second child in a Catholic hospital, so they weren't willing to tie my tubes while in there extracting the baby. So husband had to suck it up.

I've never heard such whining. Never. What a baby. [And I'll spare you my post-C-section war stories -- not to mention during-C-section war stories -- not to mention 26 hours of induced labor with an epidural that didn't take -- ain't pretty.] Then again, what a total sweetie for letting me finally shirk the contraception responsibilities that had heretofore rested entirely on my shoulders. It meant a lot. the others have said before me. Go get the frozen peas. I bet they're even on sale right now, it being Thanksgiving and all.

Natalie said...

I'm pretty much just gonna go with what everyone else is saying.. Suck it up! One day in a gown is nothing compared to what us women go through.
I had one friend who had his V done when he was really young & it reversed himself. He now has a 4 year old daughter.
And I have another friend who's "boys" got so swollen after the procedure he couldn't sit. We're talking the size of a softball or bigger.

Mustang Heritage said...

I went with my husband and held his hand!
My husband has a high tolernce to pain killers so his numbing didn't work (eek) he brusied my hand ad piniched a nerve.
we're happy it happen, it was alot easier fo rhim to do it. we actually weighted both ways me vs him.

Sometimes Sophia said...

Well, my second husband was so unnerved by the imminent prospect of his snip job, he looked at me stone sober and asked,

"Did you and your ex have your kids before or after the vasectomy?"

I swear to God, and still rag him about it to this day. Hey, you left out the part about the little nut sling they give you to wear after the procedure.

Anonymous said...

Where you in the room when they did this to me? Get out of my brain Jay!!!!!

Trying to Stay Calm! said...

I'm new here! What a great blog :)

posthumous pointer
To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson