Monday, January 19, 2009

My Mum.




Hi Luv.

I have a few things to say to you, and I know that you may not ever read this, but I'm throwing this out into the universe all the same.

The thing is, you're probably gonna have a bad year. To position it any other way would belittle what you are going to go through, and I won't do that. Physically, mentally, emotionally, you've been here before, you know. So I'm gonna make this about me for just one minute, and then we're gonna talk about you.

Since you told me, I have had some time to reflect on this, and think about how I'm feeling compared to four years ago. And the thing is, the more I reflect on what happened, the more I feel shamefully guilty about how much more I made it about my feelings than yours. I was frightened, sure, but more so I was in denial about what you would be going through. Plus, never having been through all those new feelings about watching someone you love struggle with their health, the more I emotionally hid from the whole thing. The more I pushed it back in my mind, the more I physically backed away from your pain, your fatigue, your physical changes, your shame.

I made it more about me. I know that now. It took watching your bravery to understand how little I was being, how selfish.

How unbelievably selfish.

And how understandable that you want to now spend all your energy worried about how your kids are going to cope with it this time. That's the flip side to raising kids who care so intensely about their family...at some point those kids are going to point that emotion at you. But that is who you are, and that is the family you have created. The proof of the amazing woman that you are is in the eyes of your grandchildren...they are here because of you. We watch their faces absolutely light up when you are around. You are bringing into their lives the same love and caring you tried to instill in us, and they will be remarkable human beings because of it.

So it's time for you to focus on yourself. We will be fine, because we know you will be. And this time, it won't be about me. This time, my only hope is that you don't worry about anything but yourself. I know you will be fine. You were a survivor of the first bout, and you still are. There will be new emotions, new challenges, new pain, I know. But in the end, you will continue to beat this thing, of that I am sure.

Please try not to be scared, and please try not to think about us. Instead, lean on your husband, lean on me, lean on us all. You always hold us up, Mom, this time it's our turn.


Tuesday's Tribute
Yet Another Jay and Deb Production.




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39 comments:

Jen said...

Oh Jay, how beautiful. Those words are, just so wonderful. I know they will touch your Mom's heart. What a beautiful tribute.

Sera said...

Wow, what a tearjerker of a post... So eloquently written, and an amazing tribute to your mom. The picture is so priceless, too.

Summer said...

Aw Jay! Way to make a girl cry! I loved it...

angie said...

Truly beautiful......really touched me......and the picture.....wonderful.

Denise said...

That was beautiful. Your love for your mom really came through.

I will keep her in my prayers.

Beth said...

I hope I never have cancer. But if I do, I hope my sons are as understanding and supportive as you are.

Girl Friday said...

I hope she does read it after all. We are in this crazy thing together. She's fortunate to have you as a son.

Tony said...

Beautiful Jay. I can say from a place of experience as you know, that your love and selfless support will be the steel to her foundation of strength. we will keep Mum and you all in our prayers. I loved the photo. Frame it and write a note to your daughter to read about this moment captured in time and all it means, to be read years from now. As usual - your the man, brother.

Young Momma said...

Oh, Jay. I did not expect to ever come here and cry. That was beautiful. I have no other words. I do hope you give her this link or print this out for her.

Jenni Jiggety said...

:*(
{{{{Jay}}}} You're a good son. My prayers are with your mom and your family.

Janie said...

That is absolutely beautiful. I'll be praying for your Mom.

Under the Influence said...

Good vibes being sent to your mom (and you!).

Annie said...

Big hugs to you and your mom. I feel like I need to re-write mine now!

Straight to Your Hart said...

What a sweet and tender tribute.

How blessed you and your children are and in return..how blessed she is.

Prayers and hugs!!

Tenakim said...

Never know what to expect from you! What a good son.

Jillene said...

That was BEAUTIFUL Jay!! I am sittng here in tears. I really hope that your mom read this. She will be in my prayers!!

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Jay - that was beautiful. As a mama, I can only hope my son would feel inspired to write something like that...your love and devotion is clear. But you must know, good mamas ALWAYS think about the feelings of their kids before their own. It's what they do. Part of the scene. That's why your mom is such a good mom - and your words show why you're such a stellar son.

You've got the real deal of a soul Jay - that's why I love ya.

And yes, I will be saying some prayers for your mom.

Deb said...

that is one mom that got it right... and you're the proof. NEVER thought i'd say that, huh?

Eudea-Mamia said...

Beautiful Jay.

And that picture! Unadulterated happiness. I can feel the joy.

You and your entire family are in my prayers.

CaJoh said...

How thoughtful and touching. A very nice tribute to someone you knew your whole life.

jsprik said...

hope mum gets to read this!! what a special tribute!! don't be too hard on yourself jay, dealing with illness and possible death is not an easy thing to do. she's lucky to have a son like you and you are lucky to have such a great mum!!! take care!!

CassJustCurious said...

We'll be keeping you Mum in our thoughts and prayers. And you too. Because I know how tough it is to grapple with all those feelings it's not an easy road for anyone. Thinking about you.

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Oh my. So beautifully written, and straight to my heart it went. I will keep your mom in my thoughts. *huge hugs*

The Frugal Angel-Guided Psychic said...

Jay! What a lovely tribute to you mother. I'm going through much of the same this year... You made me wake-up a bit, I thank you for that.

Natalie said...

What a beautiful tribute to an obviously beautiful lady..

Thanks for the comment. The other blogger has now removed her stolen post.

Tiffany said...

That was so sweet. You had me tearing up reading it. I hope your mom does well this time around.

April said...

what a lovely tribute.

Rachael said...

oh, wow. this is just an incredible post, so well written and so touching. keeping her in my prayers.

Honey Mommy said...

What a great post Jay. Best of luck to your mother.

Rita T. said...

Wonderfully done!

Mary Moore said...

I will keep your mom in my thoughts. A wonderful tribute.

Brittany said...

I am sobbing. You are such a good, good son. Your mum has to be very proud of her little boy!

Clare said...

what an amazing post, thank you for sharing it with us!!

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

That was beautiful, Jay. It speaks volumes about your manhood that you could recognize where you made mistakes (perceived or not) and work to try and get it "right" this time. A prayer goes out to you and yours during your time of need.

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

Absolutely beautiful tribute to your mom. Love the picture, too! You are all in our thoughts and prayers...thanks for sharing! :)

Christina said...

That was beautiful and heartwarming.

jill jill bo bill said...

You know Jay, as a nurse who worked with CA pts, The most important organ to worry about is the brain. The thought process can change the time frame and even the prognosis. Thank you for putting it into words for your mom. Now go tell her in person. It will be a huge relief for her to know you are going to be her biggest cheerleader. It's SO important.

Michelle said...

What a tear jerker. Here's to your mom and to her recovery!

Kristen Zirkle said...

That was such a sweet post. I just love that picture of her and Miss C. Pure joy on both their faces.

posthumous pointer
To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson