See, the trick to New Year's resolutions is to make them easily attainable. Goals are supposed to be tangible, specific, and within arm's reach. I'm a "look ahead" kinda guy, so here we go...The Top 10 things I am going to do to make sure 2009 will be a stellar year.
#10 - I will treat people with respect. Hence, That's why I got my Britney post out of the way yesterday.
#9 - I will stop flirting. This one shouldn't be a problem, restraining orders at work have limited the number of rooms I can even go into to the janitor's closet and the roof.
#8 - Physical health. Ummm.... nope...I got nothin. WAIT! oh...nope...I got nothin.
#7 - I will learn maturity and self-restraint. I guess this one means that I won't scream, applaud, and start the wave when my kids fart. I know, I know...baby steps.
#6 - I will spend less time blogging. LOL Ok...I just stuck that one in to be funny.
#5 - I will plan ahead. Each time I go to the bathroom, I will check to see if Cottonelle is in abundance. I will greatly reduce the number of times I need to yell "Um...a little help here??!!"
#4 - I will work on controlling my temper. Unless you cross me...in which case God help you.
#3 - I will accept what I cannot control. After all, there is at least a 60% chance that these kids are mine. Well... 40-60%.
#2 - I will be more giving. Unless you didn't give me anything, in which case you don't get shit.
#1 - I am gonna have more sex. And just to make it more interesting, I am gonna try to make sure someone else is in the room. AND I am gonna encourage my wife to do the same. I mean, if the guest room is available. I know...I'm spoiling her again.
Thanks to the lovely MamaKat for her creation of the Writer's Workshop, and for putting out a pail for my mental diarrhea.
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39 comments:
HA! Great list!! You made me snort... and that's cool (unattractive, I know, but very cool!).
Great resolutions. I especially loved the silent "buts" at the end of each one. :)
I think I'll post mine tomorrow.
Happy New Year!
LOL!! That was hilarious! Happy New Years!!!
funny funny funny! I love your blog too!
this is the funniest thing I've read all day!!
I read this early in the morning and scared the deuce out of my puppy laughing. Especially when I made it to #1 on your list. Hehe.
Well, if this is what's in store for 2009, I'm gonna have to stay tuned!
That is an extremely ambitious list Jay. I had to google "respect", it's been so long. Not sure I'm on that bandwagon, it's really just a form of censorship if you ask me.
Glad I found YOU. Happy NY to you as well!
That's great Jay, Let me know how those all work out. Colleen wants to know if you can really quit flirting? I told her. UH No. All the best in the New Year pal.
Well thank you for stopping by! Feel free to come by any time! And if you want, feel free to follow me!
Haha... best list of resolutions I've read yet! Especially the whole making sure the bathroom is stocked thing. Excellent idea!
Happy New Year!!! :)
Toooo Crazy!!! I have to whole-heartedly agree with some of them and some my DH would love to read! LOL
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I took your advise about the word verification...thanks!
Happy New Year and Many Blessings!
Kara
Is it bad that #6 made me laugh...loudly (my husband however wasn't as amused...he did however encourage me to make a resolution similar to #1)
Absolutely hilarious list! One of the funniestthings I read today. Love your blog and will make sure to check in on you regularly.
Thanks for the comment on my blog. Everyone likes a little comment love.
Fun list!! Wow! You got someone to snort. That's quite an accomplishment.
LOVE this post!!! I have to go wipe snot and coffee off of my computer monitor now.....
Great way to start a new year. Thanks Jay! lol
Good luck with that! Great way to stay specific and tangiable! lol
Happy New Year!!!
Happy '09 Jay!
Great list - I wanted to try and say something funny about # 1 but it just wasn't coming out right so....
Your post made me very tired. I have a headache :) Happy New Year! Eat well, my friend!
OMG, I love it. And I love the Britney post, too. Classic stuff.
Happy New Year!
You're hilarious Jay. Great lists. Let us know how they go.
happy new year!!!!
Love the list! You just always crack me up!
Great list!!! I hope you stick to at least one of them. :)
Loved the list. Especially #9 and #1. Can I steal them?
Let me know how #1 works out so I can plan ahead for my guest room.
Ah, don't #7 and #1 kind of conflict with each other?
I am looking forward to a 2009 snorting at the funny things you post on your blog!
Happy New Year Jay!
Happy New Year! Loved the list.
Your list cracked me up. Love your blog by the way. Happy New Year!!
Very good list! I haven't thought of anything I can really stick to yet.
The Cottonelle one is one that hits home with me ... I mean, seriously, are there a lot more worse feelings in the world then reaching for toilet paper, and the only seeing that cardboard tube?
*LOL* I think they are a good set of goals.
Damn you! You just made me laugh out loud. And then I had to explain it to the husband. And he doesn't have the same sense of humor.
I think I have the same sense of humor as a 9 year old boy.
Hmm, Mr. Jay, as I peruse your list of resolutions, I fear that some may be in conflict.
Case in point, how can you possibly achieve #1 (which is an abosolute gem) if you adhere to #9? I fear that this will not be productive.
Also, #6 just made me laugh.
-Francesca
Ha.. I loved it. Those are good.. apparently, I need to work on my more.
Great list! I'll have to see if I can work your #1 into MY list! Happy New Year.
You are hilarious! Great list! My husband LOVES your #1!
Yeah I like how your resolutions come with conditions...I'm pretty sure that's not allowed.
A message to your wife:
Dear Jay's Wife,
You are welcome to stay at my house any time you like...I know about these "more sex" phases and I realize you may need a place to hide for awhile. Don't worry. I won't touch you. But can I brush your hair? If Jay is like most men, he will soon forget this more sex and opt for a steak dinner.
Best of luck in 09!
Mama Kat
That is one heck of a list. So how is stopping flirting going to help with the more sex thing?
I love the list! Especially #7.
#6- I'm going to try!! Haha...
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