Monday, July 27, 2009

BlogHer'09 Recap!! (aka...Not Me Monday??)

Today here at HalftimeLessons, we address an age old question that plagues us all. Well, not all of us, just those of us who have a better chance of winning the lottery twice in a month than being allowed to go party with 1500 women for four days.

The question being, "How do you do whatever you want without destroying your marriage, losing your kids, and owing alimony and child support until you are bled fully lifeless?"

You see, I am one of those people. I'm a guy who loves to write, loves to see the smiles on faces that I have humored, who loves to spend time in this blogger world, and with you people.

But in the absence of a kitchen pass, I am also the guy destined to enjoy BlogHer from the safety of his own computer. I'm a salesman, but not that good.

So in the spirit of "Not Me Monday", let me now come clean.

That was not me reconnecting my Starbuck's I.V. in O'Hare.
The streaker? Not me. Lucky you.
The guy who triple-dipped into the Unicorn cake? Didn't even taste it.
That was not me in the back of the cab, twice complaining about the smell. Or adding to it.
The guy with the line of women waiting to talk to him, definitely not me...pretty sure I only dreamed that one.
Nor was it me who trashed up the hotel... why do "grownups" do that?
I didn't have dinner with Julie. There is no Julie. To the girl whose lovely picture I borrowed, it looks like you had a fun time. Good luck with your life.
Absolutely was not me ogling women at the 704 party, nor was it me bawling like a complete and utter sissyboy at the Keynote. (Although I may have)
The great news was that it was not me who threw up in the lobby, or stole all the swag bags...and that's the kind of thing I am normally famous for.
For at the end of the day, sadly, that guy you saw at BlogHer...

Not me. ;-(

I'm not the guy who went to BlogHim, sadly. I'm the guy who had a blast at BlogHer, but wasn't actually there.

And yet, despite missing a chance to spend time with some writers who I find to be a giant, glittery, passionfruit-flavored slice of amazing, my weekend was only partly spent in my depths of disappointment and self-absorption.

A couple of people were awesome enough to feed me pictures and info to help in this prank, and I won't name them publicly for fear that someone eggs their mailboxes. You know who you are, and I love you for your mischievous spirits. Thanks also to my close friend, The Internet, for providing everything a guy could need to magically transport himself to another place without fear of socially-transmitted diseases, or airport bathrooms, or both.

I loved hearing that you were all having an amazing time, I hope the conference was everything you had hoped, and much more. Although I missed getting to meet IRL some folks whose writing I adore (like Brittany, Heather, Tena, Lee, Deb, Annie, Pauline, VodkaMom, Mariah, Bitchin' Amy, Jyl, Elaine, and many more), your updates and tweets made it almost like we were there with you, and I thank you. Make sure you check them all out today, I am sure they will have great stories and pictures for you.

Yesterday I began laying the groundwork for New York in 2010.

I said, "But honey, it's in New York!"

She replied, "Does that mean I could go?"


"Um...yeah.............but not to everything, ok?"

I told you, I'm not that great a salesman.

Thanks to MckMama and her "Not Me Monday" for hosting the perfect vehicle for this confession, and please pray for Stellan.

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Tenakim said...

My husband's stipulation for 2010 is that he's going (I suggested it)- just not to convention stuff- boring museum stuff for those 2 days. I would offer him up as a companion for your wife, but I've seen your Faith Hill lookalike wife and my husband would totally fall for her so....

Annie said...

Stellar. Love it. I even tuned in for your updates. I was happy to be home and not eating unicorn cake, too!
See....I also was home, but I'm sure your mention of me has swarms of BlogHer attendees wishing they had met me.

Momma@Live. Laugh. Pull your hair out said...

LMAO! You had me.

Krystyn said...

Love totally fooled me!

angie said...

Best prank EVER.

It's all about location....I was shocked when Jeff wanted to go to SITScation in Vegas with me.....and then I figured out why:).....and I guarantee that when I start working on him for NY (b/c I WANT to go next year) he'll definitely want to come, too. I'm torn though......cuz I'll miss out on all the fun stuff he'll be doing in NYC while I'm in conferences. :)

Under the Influence said...

Ok, you don't suck - you're just tricky. Can I ever trust you again?

BlogHer10 - I'm in and I am guessing my husband will want to go just to hang out in NYC doing touristy and educational stuff. Or maybe drinking beer at a cool little bar. Tena, maybe we should hook up our husbands that weekend!

Lee of MWOB said...

Well your post today is a perfect example of one of the hottest topics jumping around blogtown....


I was interested to see how you would spin your caper as trust is the most important and valued commodity in the blogosphere.

Although you have slightly altered the " Not Me Monday" intention, I can see that your heart was in the right place.

I think bringing your wife next year is an awesome idea because nothing will allay her fears more than actually seeing you drink with a bunch of hot women talking about vibrators instead of just hearing about it.



Sheri and George said...

This is so freakin hilarious it isn't even funny! I was here everyday to read your posts and see what you had to say- you had me hooked and now I find it was all a hoax. You are good!!!!
Love it and love you.

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

You totally had me! Great prank!

I told my husband BlogHer 10 was in NYC and the first words out his mouth were "You could easily take the train there or drive. You should totally go next year."

Which is why I love him.

Kristina P. said...

I had a feeling you weren't there, only because I thought that there was no way in hell your wife would be OK with it!

But great prank!

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

You totally had me. Jerk! Well, it was funny and not many people could have pulled that off.

The Mom Jen said...

My hubby will be joining me in museums with Tena's hub, a room full of bloggers, he might need one of my Xanax.

April said...

ummm... weirdo. LOL. maybe we'll meet next year in NY with the spouses :-) to be honest, a trip to the city sounds more exciting than crowded conference rooms and detergent samples... maybe i'll just go on vacation. period.

MamabearMills said...

that;s IT! asshole. hah. im going to 2010, and i ccan at least verify for myself if you're there. you are a sucka! ...wait, im the sucka

Shauna said...

Maybe Holly & I will venture to 2010...your wife can hang with us.

Ali said...

Can't BlogHer come to Booger Holler, Arkansas? Big cities intimidate me--hubby would HAVE to go just to hold my hand!

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

I soooooo wish I could have met you at the conference. Deb was a hoot! And, you must go to BlogHer 2010. Who can pass up New York City? And, bring your wife! She's love it. I got two back massages, one hand massage, and one foot massage. These sponsors know how to pamper! Also, there were plenty of men, so you'll be in good company.

Looking forward to seeing you then!


mommaof4wife2r said...

this is why i love your posts, jay! i didn't have one single comment from anyone wishing to meet my super famous and fab self. oh well, there's always next year...maybe i can get to nyc'10. love that place!

Lee said...

You cheeky little bastard. I completely believed you were there!

Sharlene said...

Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!

At first I though you were lying about lying. But you were lying about going. Or something like that. Hilarity.

Jen said...

I am laughing my head off, you are so fabulous!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

You TOTALLY had me fooled! Great job!

I think you should bring your wife to BogHer '10 - I think it would be awesome to meet your better half! :) I suppose I'd like to meet you too, but meeting your wife would make my day. ;)

I'm definitely going to 2010 - I'm to figure out all the 'other stuff' between now and then... ;)

Jenn@ The Crazies said...

See now, with BlogHer being in NY next year (I am in Mass) I will be going.. but my hubby will most likely be tagging along.. ( we havent had an alone vaca since our honeymoon) and so he can keep your wife entertained LOL ( ok.. that maybe didnt sound right LOL)

nicole said...

So clever.

King of New York Hacks said...

2010 New York ??? I'd best be getting LOTS of cab rides from everyone !! LOL !!

Elaine A. said...

I was going to have to come back to TX and punch you if you were there and didn't find me. So good thing you weren't, I think. Good job on pulling the wool over some eyes. Including mine, for a few minutes...

♥georgie♥ said...

Jay-your shameless LOL!!!

texasholly said...

ha! I knew that "only have sex with myself" thing wouldn't work.

Fresh Mommy said...

Hahaha, the secret's out!!!! Thanks for a fun week of "BlogHer" anyway!!!!


Jenni Jiggety said...

I already registered for 2010 and my husband totally wants to go!

posthumous pointer
To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson