Stay the hell away from my daughter.

MamaKat's Writer Workshop has prompted: "Who made you red hot this week?" ...so here I go.
Please also go visit my friends over at DadBlogs this week for FatherHood Friday.
Daddys are awesome. We help make Mommies. Most of the time.


I feel sick.

This post may end up being an eyeroller for some of you, and I apologize. But that doesn't make this feeling any less real, or frightening.

My wife approached me this week, and as indelicately as she could, said

"C has something she wants to tell you."

My 5 year old daughter drifted to me, peered up with her ocean-blue eyes and infectious smile and said,

"Daddy? Alex B. is going to be my boyfriend again."

And that word began its ping pong match in my brain.

boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend

And then it was replaced with the word I almost didn't notice...

again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again again


Now, I know what you are doing right now. "Awww, daddy's little girl..." and "oh boy, you just wait!!"

Go ahead. Have your fun. Because while you are over there yuckin' it up,

I feel sick. And now just a tad angry.

Who taught her that damn word, anyway? And then who encouraged it?
When was this kid her boyfriend? And then what caused the breakup? And when did they get back together??!!

And who the hell taught my daughter to give men second chances if he was the one who fucked up the first time? You fuck up, you're GONE. You respect, or YOU ARE OUTTA HERE.

Wait a minute.

Did SHE dump YOU? Then why did you come back around? Do you have no self respect? If you don't, then she doesn't want to be with you anyway. Get the hint, kid. Have some pride!! Wait...I don't care about your pride...Just frickin' BEAT IT ALREADY!!

I feel sick.

Was it me? Did I do this? Did I yell at her once too often and she thought, "Fine...I'm gonna go get me a bad boy". When I made her eat three more bites of green leftovers and STILL wouldnt give her a cookie, did she silently decide, "Oh Daddy, you just bought yourself a world of pain." Whatever it was, honey, Daddy is sorry. Just ask the boy to please go away. For good. NOW.

It is incomprehensible to me that there will come a day when she doesn't consider me the most important man in her life. Not that she even thinks that now, but I am. And this kid is not gonna drive a wedge between me and my girl. Not now, not while I am still buying her Princess crap.

You just made the list, kid. A very short list of one.

And you don't want to be on this list.

COPYRIGHT HALFTIME LESSONS 2008, 2009
All rights reserved. This content may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, without the prior written permission of the author.

WW - Bagels and Bugspray

Good Morning, dear friends, and welcome to Crowley, Texas.

Population : 14 + me.

My job offers me enough flexibility to explore some of the retail establishments along the way to needy patients and hungry nurses, and this little gem popped into my consciousness and aroused my curiosity enough to stop and meet the locals.

I don't mind telling you, the sign out front didn't slow down the blur between my hand and mouth in the least. And in all fairness, my donut barista was kind enough to put down the Raid and change gloves before handling my bavarian creme.



more Wordful Wednesdays, please go visit my friend Angie,
who is a tiny redheaded package of AWESOMENESS.

BlogHer'09 Recap!! (aka...Not Me Monday??)

Today here at HalftimeLessons, we address an age old question that plagues us all. Well, not all of us, just those of us who have a better chance of winning the lottery twice in a month than being allowed to go party with 1500 women for four days.

The question being, "How do you do whatever you want without destroying your marriage, losing your kids, and owing alimony and child support until you are bled fully lifeless?"

You see, I am one of those people. I'm a guy who loves to write, loves to see the smiles on faces that I have humored, who loves to spend time in this blogger world, and with you people.

But in the absence of a kitchen pass, I am also the guy destined to enjoy BlogHer from the safety of his own computer. I'm a salesman, but not that good.

So in the spirit of "Not Me Monday", let me now come clean.

That was not me reconnecting my Starbuck's I.V. in O'Hare.
The streaker? Not me. Lucky you.
The guy who triple-dipped into the Unicorn cake? Didn't even taste it.
That was not me in the back of the cab, twice complaining about the smell. Or adding to it.
The guy with the line of women waiting to talk to him, definitely not me...pretty sure I only dreamed that one.
Nor was it me who trashed up the hotel... why do "grownups" do that?
I didn't have dinner with Julie. There is no Julie. To the girl whose lovely picture I borrowed, it looks like you had a fun time. Good luck with your life.
Absolutely was not me ogling women at the 704 party, nor was it me bawling like a complete and utter sissyboy at the Keynote. (Although I may have)
The great news was that it was not me who threw up in the lobby, or stole all the swag bags...and that's the kind of thing I am normally famous for.
For at the end of the day, sadly, that guy you saw at BlogHer...

Not me. ;-(

I'm not the guy who went to BlogHim, sadly. I'm the guy who had a blast at BlogHer, but wasn't actually there.

And yet, despite missing a chance to spend time with some writers who I find to be a giant, glittery, passionfruit-flavored slice of amazing, my weekend was only partly spent in my depths of disappointment and self-absorption.



A couple of people were awesome enough to feed me pictures and info to help in this prank, and I won't name them publicly for fear that someone eggs their mailboxes. You know who you are, and I love you for your mischievous spirits. Thanks also to my close friend, The Internet, for providing everything a guy could need to magically transport himself to another place without fear of socially-transmitted diseases, or airport bathrooms, or both.

I loved hearing that you were all having an amazing time, I hope the conference was everything you had hoped, and much more. Although I missed getting to meet IRL some folks whose writing I adore (like Brittany, Heather, Tena, Lee, Deb, Annie, Pauline, VodkaMom, Mariah, Bitchin' Amy, Jyl, Elaine, and many more), your updates and tweets made it almost like we were there with you, and I thank you. Make sure you check them all out today, I am sure they will have great stories and pictures for you.

Yesterday I began laying the groundwork for New York in 2010.

I said, "But honey, it's in New York!"

She replied, "Does that mean I could go?"

(pause)

"Um...yeah.............but not to everything, ok?"

I told you, I'm not that great a salesman.



Thanks to MckMama and her "Not Me Monday" for hosting the perfect vehicle for this confession, and please pray for Stellan.





COPYRIGHT HALFTIME LESSONS 2008, 2009
All rights reserved. This content may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, without the prior written permission of the author.

BlogHer '09 - OH.MY.SWEET.MARY.FATBOTTOM.

The truck that ran over my head this morning was kind enough to stop. Then reverse. And then PARK on my head.

Back at O'Hare at this most ungodly of hours, and these kind people in line at Starbucks are about to move the fuck out of the way so I can work on feeling even subhuman again...isnt that sweet of them?

MOVEYOURASSESNOWWWWWWWW

Headed home to the Spanish Inquisition that awaits.

I'll be doing a "special" BlogHer'09 post tomorrow...hope you'll come and see...teehee...






COPYRIGHT HALFTIME LESSONS 2008, 2009
All rights reserved. This content may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, without the prior written permission of the author.

BlogHer '09 - Unicorn Death by Fork.

Real quick, this is what happens to a beautiful legendary animal when you give 700 women forks. Some argued that it tasted like tangerine or passionfruit, I could swear I tasted mango.

This is going to be what sets my wife off, btw...she is an avid cake connoisseur, and she's gonna be PISSED.






COPYRIGHT HALFTIME LESSONS 2008, 2009
All rights reserved. This content may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, without the prior written permission of the author.

BlogHer '09 - Day 3

Well, last day, and it's gonna be a doozy...
I've met so many awesome people, but still have to find some folks I will just kick myself if I dont see them!!!

Coffee, check. No food, check. pheromone cologne, check.



COPYRIGHT HALFTIME LESSONS 2008, 2009
All rights reserved. This content may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, without the prior written permission of the author.

BlogHer '09 - A Keynote I Didn't Sleep Thru!!!

oh wow...The Keynote was amazing. Some of my fav bloggers, some big laughs and BIG tears.

Finally got my cell camera uploading again, internet has been problematic today.

Off to South Bend for the night, kinda bummed to miss a couple of big events, but I promised the missus, and my friends will totally narc on me.

More details tomorrow...wish you were here!!

Trouble in paradise

Ok, I just saw what I hope is the weirdest thing about this weekend...2 sweet looking little bloggers were standing outside the presentation room having a full blown argument. Like, ANGRY argument. The reigned it in as I walked by, so I couldn't hear the details, but it was clear that things were...testy...AWKWARD!!!

I thought this was supposed to be a happy place?! Lighten up, ladies!! Clearly I'm not pissing anyone off enough yet to warrant being pulled into the hall...

The Natives are getting restless...

The wife just called to say that unless I bring home some good swag, I can make plans to live somewhere new next week.

I have never seen so many women...trying desperately to find LiteralDan in all this mess so we can huddle shaking in a corner somewhere.

More pics coming...stay tuned!

Oh Buddy...here we go...

After dinner and a quick call home I headed over to my first bash at 704... I keep telling myself I am making it back to Julie's tonight, but that may take an understnding cabbie at this point. OMG I love blogging... It's gonna be an early morning...

BlogHer '09 - YEEEHHAAAAWWWW!!!!! (Day 1)

Ok...so here is how I am gonna do this. I am gonna try to update this same post as much as I can over the next few days, or as much as my cellphone, little Asus Eee and sporadic internet connections will allow. And sorry for any formatting problems you see...this isn't always easy to do on the fly!! So check back directly to this post for updates. Hope you enjoy the action!!

(Latest updates will be at the top of the post)

---

Thursday, July 23, 6:30pm. A light stomach coating.

Meet Julie, my wife's friend who has been kind enough to stand guard over put me up at her place while I am in Chitown. She has been giving me shit about being a male blogger for the better part of an hour, and appears to be unaffected by my Sex Panther cologne.

She may be quick with a blade...



But she folded like a pansy when I fought back.



And when the salsa came out, she ran like a little girl. I may be a Daddy blogger, but I can take the Central American heat, o prissy one.

---

Thursday, July 23, 4:30pm. Headed to Julie's.



This time there is nothing questionable on the seat, but a lingering...aroma...is disturbing an otherwise enjoyable ride with my new friend...um...sorry, I have no idea what his name is. I didn't catch it...twice...it seemed to be missing any and all vowels.

---

Thursday, July 23, 2:30pm. The Sheraton!!

Ok...this is getting very real now, and I am starting to wonder what I am doing coming to hang out with this many women...Maybe I'll make myself an "I am not a Perv" sign to hang around my neck tomorrow. On second thought, why limit my action? Sorry honey, just kidding. ;-)

---

Thursday, July 23, 11:30am. FAO Schwarz.

I mean, I could cry from the sheer beauty of it. I finally get to spend time in a toy store without screaming "If I have to drag your asses outside I'm gonna knock your heads together!!" At least, I will be in this Mecca of fun until the employees start to look at the creepy guy in the toy store with no kids. Back soon. I wont be taking pictures in here. I mean, I DO have SOME common sense.

---

Thursday, July 23, 10:30am. Nirvana.

Oh blissful sanctuary thy name is Starbucks. Found a bellman to watch my fine selection of BlogHer apparel for the afternoon so I can cruise around and piss off some passers-by. OMFG I'm in Chicago!!!! That's the one thing I've missed about traveling, is the exploring...if I can just keep the clouds from dumping on my spelunking this afternoon, this might be a nice little day.



I wonder how many of these I could stuff in my cargo shorts before I start to look...suspicious...

---

Thursday, July 23, 9:00am. Taxi.

OhmysweetbabyJesus this is the most disgusting cab I have ever been in. Ever. Ever. EVER. There is something on the seat, and I have absolutely no idea what it is. I am at a loss for words, and feel faint.

---

Thursday, July 23, 8:15am. Chicago O'Hare.



So first problem with a last minute trip is that flights are scarce and expensive, so I had to get up at 2am to HOPE to catch a redeye, which now has me standing here in O'Hare amongst construction and dazed travelers in search of my first Starbucks of the trip. Hopefully first of many.

Next problem is that the friend of my wife's that I am staying with doesn't know I am already here, and is at work...which now leaves me with nowhere to go, with luggage, and nowhere to lay my weary dumbass head. Optimistic though. AND FUCKING EXCITED!!! (and nervous). So...gonna try to find a willing ($$$) bellhop, and hopefully go hit the Magnificent Mile. And another Starbucks.

---

COPYRIGHT HALFTIME LESSONS 2008, 2009
All rights reserved. This content may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, without the prior written permission of the author.

So Much Time and So Little To Do!! Wait...reverse that...

Sorry to drop a bomb like that and run, but there has been a lot to do this morning...so let me bring you up to speed.

My wife knows how much I love the Blogging world, and writing, but SERIOUSLY drew the line at letting me go party with 1500 women in a hotel for a weekend. And as we have been mapping out travel plans for the year, BlogHer has always been at the back of my mind. Nagging.

So when my wife's best friend had a baby a while back, she started making plans to go visit them...by herself...with daddy home babysitting for the weekend. And thus began what I refer to now as "Guiltgate".

Now here is the part of the story I can't get into too much detail on...how I will be getting in. See, like all of you, I have made great friends in the Blog world, and some of those friends have offered to help me attend a sold out BlogHer '09 conference. Yes, I will be paying, btw, and that is all I can say.

So as my blushing bride and I sat to discuss last night, again the topic came up. And again I pushed as hard as I could without having to scour the yellow pages for daddy-friendly divorce lawyers.

And then...SHE SAID YES!!!!

only...with conditions.

Condition #1. I'm not allowed to have sex with anyone except myself.

Condition #2. I have to stay with her friend who lives in Chicago. This was a tough one for me, but I understand that doing so will give her some comfort. So dammit, but ok.

Condition #3. I have to call her fucking constantly.

Condition #4. I have to go see family friends who live close to Notre Dame, and that will cut into some of the things I want to attend, but again, so be it.

Condition #5. I have to owe her a lot. For a long time. This one is subjective, so I may be able to get around it as soon as I get back.

Anyway...I AM GOING!!

Now before any of you crazy broads ask, I am not giving out my travel details...another condition of my wife's because she firmly believes you all to be sex starved internet loonies.

But I hope to lay eyes on you at some point!! I should be easy to spot...I'll be the BlogHIM.




COPYRIGHT HALFTIME LESSONS 2008, 2009
All rights reserved. This content may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, without the prior written permission of the author.

OMG!!! I'm Going To BLOGHER!!!

I gotta get flights!!! Back with details later!!


WOoHOo!!!

WW - Warning: Seasonal Profanity.

Announced today:

In an effort to stimulate the economy as well as aid in funding his impending Healthcare legislation, President Obama implored national retail chains to begin selling Christmas merchandise earlier in the year.

Earmuffs, kids.

Are you fucking kidding me?

It's fucking JULY, people.

Actually, come to think of it...maybe there's a sale on Valentine cards around here somewhere.

Oh wait...my bad...It's fucking JULY.

Sunday Citar

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal condition. - Walter Prager






Welcome to Sunday Citar! This blog quote meme was created by Tabitha @ FreshMommy. You can stop by her blog to see the quotes and photos that she and everyone else is loving right now.





COPYRIGHT HALFTIME LESSONS 2008, 2009
All rights reserved. This content may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, without the prior written permission of the author.

Foreplay

oh yeah...

This day is lookin' up.

You two look cute and all, but maybe you have some tasty friends who want to party with us?

Well, helloooooo Ladies.

Oh, don't worry about the ring...my wife and I have "an understanding".

Parking is hard. Not parallel parking, mind you, that's impossible.

When you find yourself using the car in front of you to "lean" your car against in a parking lot, it may be time for a refresher course.

If you ever do this to my car, you had better pin me in between, cuz i'm comin' after you.

In this gentleman's defense, he did appear to be roughly 173 years old.

And although he didn't even stop to look at what he had done, I'm sure he was just shuffling off to find a pen.

I feel so much better about driving my kids around after having seen this. Or letting them play on a sidewalk, for that matter.

Monday morning advice from a drug rep.

They look innocent enough, don't they?

Full of laughs, information, celebrity gossip...good times.

But unless you like licking the Hanta Virus from the petrie dish in a level 5 biohazard unit...

Don't EVER touch the magazines in a primary care office. Not unless you pay those HAZMAT fellas to scrub you down in the parking lot afterwards.

Just another perk to subscribing to the blog of a drug rep.

As you were.

;-)

Sunday Citar

Today is my first time to participate in Tabitha's Sunday Citar, so I am starting with my favorite quote that always sits at the bottom of my blog. Hope you like it, it has always spoken to me.

To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson

Welcome to Sunday Citar! This blog quote meme was created by Tabitha @ FreshMommy. You can stop by her blog to see the quotes and photos that she and everyone else is loving right now.





COPYRIGHT HALFTIME LESSONS 2008, 2009
All rights reserved. This content may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, without the prior written permission of the author.

The Bachelorette (aka...The Dummy)

In an effort to spend time with my sickly wife, I sat to watch the final 20 minutes of an episode of The Bachelorette. I am going against everything I believe in writing a post about a TV reality show, but I have something to say to the throngs of women screaming obscenities at their televisions.

You know who you are.

Have you considered that it is not Wes that is the idiot here?

Wes is a idiot, sure. We all know it. He knows it, and he knows that it will sell a few records, before everyone loses interest again...in say, 5 minutes. It's his schtick, and he's having fun in the spotlight. Douche.

But have you considered that maybe Jillian is the true moron?

This is barely more than the age-old story of the girl more interested in the bad boy than the guy who treats her well, and who is boring by comparison. To go on a reality show looking for Mr. Right and so obviously try to push this genius into that role is laughable. I mean, round peg in a square hole much?

My hope for Jillian is that she has been completely aware how much she has been drooling after the douchebag, and that she has been doing it for ratings. But frankly, I don't think she's that good of an actress.

I had a friend once who was fantastic with the ladies...especially at relationships that lasted 4-5 hours. And he told me that my problem (or one of them) was that I talked to women with respect. "As soon as you start insulting them and treating them like crap in the bar they'll be all over you", he would say.

Um, yeah.

Ladies, when are you going to stop giving Mr. Wrong more chances than you give Mr. Right?

I mean, men are obsessed with boobs, but we don't go out of our way to marry strippers, do we?

Roll Call. Minus the Jazz Hands.

Hi there, gentle readers.

Now that I am back to this fun, I'd like to do some reading...many of you I read ongoing anyway, but my Feedburner count says that there are many more of you out there.

So as we head into the July 4th weekend, and on into next week, I hope to read those who read me. If you would like me to come and read your blog in the next week, will you simply leave me a comment on this post, and maybe a link to your blog if you can? Even a simple URL may help me get there. I'd love to see what you have been up to, and add some more of you to my reader! So if you are a lurker, or generally read my blog through your reader alone, would you mind coming out of the darkness and letting me know where to find you?

Thanks for helping me create a reading list, and thank YOU for stopping by.

Have a WONDERFUL July 4th weekend...travel, boat and swim safely. And for goodness sakes, once you light it, DON'T forget to throw it. No emergency room posts next week, please.