Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Next Stop, Dysfunctional Genitalia.



Kind of a big day for the Jaypo.

Tomorrow I take my first step towards the world of the gelded. I have an appointment with the physician assistant who reports to Dr. Franksandbeans (and who I assume I get to sleep with), to discuss my impending maiming.

The smirky cow who made my appointment at the Urological Correctional Facility was very non-specific about what this PA would want to do or discuss, so I am assuming that she simply wanted a copay, and to sleep with me. I haven't discussed the matter with my wife, but I can only assume that she is cool with letting me party a bit before Dr. Smokedsausage uses my undercarriage as his personal amusement park.

I've had plenty of time to imagine this procedure, and that may have contributed to why it took me so long to make the appointment, but I am now on my way.

I think it is only appropriate to put my best foot forward, so after I finish my twelfth vodka tonight, it will be time to do some personal grooming. And as I finish writing that statement, I can't help but wonder if you knew what you were getting yourself in for when you subscribed to my work.

Despite the flood of requests, I will not be publishing pictures after Dr. Isthatallugot finishes making my farverbean holder look like an Ikea cutting board. And considering I chose to confess my lack of faith to the universe just days ago, I am also assuming that any and all higher powers will be taking this opportunity to write the next Law of Murphy as Dr. WaitwhatwasIdoing has a brainfart.

No "I pushed a bowling ball out of my urethra" comments will be tolerated.


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28 comments:

Sarah said...

Poor Jay! But your wife treasures your sacrifice - kind of like those puppy hearts she burnt on the alter of emasculation last night. Oh wait! That was a secret ritual...Ooops!

Jenn@ The Crazies said...

Hang in there Jay... Its all gonna be ok.. (I hope!!!)

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Buck up Jay! My little guy had to have surgery for Undescended Testicles and was up and playing that afternoon. Quit being a baby! (and I can TOTALLY say that because of the surgery that I JUST had)

And you know I mean that in the nicest possible way, right??

nicole said...

I don't even know what to say, except that I enjoyed the silly names. Good luck?

Em said...

Way to man up! I know that's difficult for a sensitive guy, such as yourself.

Just keep your eye on the prize - no more mouths to feed :-)

Seriously, totally proud of you. My Hubs took the easy way out - "well honey, while they're already in there getting the baby out, it's 30 seconds more..."

Chicken.

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

*hugs* Have the wife on standby w/ a frozen bag of peas, I hear that helps. A lot. ;)

jsprik said...

jay--dude, you'll do great!! hubby had this done TWICE!!!! what can i say he's a fertile guy!! well, not anymore, i guess...teehee


anyway, he was sore the first couple days then he was back to normal (BOTH TIMES), piece of cake!!! :)

Cheryl said...

Just make sure you are stocked up on frozen peas..and stay away from the kids. It's amazing how their "aim" improves when this procedure occurs....lol.

Momisodes said...

Oh Jay. I can't believe I've been away so long and came back to see this! You poor thing. I hope everything goes smoothly.

I'll have to share this post with Dadisodes one day. He's promised to join the V-team as well.

Kristina P. said...

I hope you post pictures!!

Saundra@ItalianMamaGoneCrazy said...

Oh my God!! So funny that you posted this this week!

My hubby, after putting it off for NINE YEARS!!! is finally getting the big "V" this friday!!!

I am excited.. him... not so much... but I didn't have three C sections... so it's the least he can do...

Just had to put that in there...
You'll be fine... Like I keep saying to my the hubs...

It's a snip, snip and a bag of peas... you'll be fine!"

Ali said...

Darn, I was just going to make the bowling ball comment!

Good luck, Jay!

Lani said...

oohh.. that's a toughie. When it's all over you must write a nice "it-was-no-big-deal post" that I can show my husband:) Good luck!

I would love for you to stop by the Blog For A Cure Blog Party I am hosting all week long at http://whoknewreviews.blogspot.com!
Its a great way to get new followers, win some prizes and support the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!

Ally @ Waiting For Rain said...

I have two words: Follow Up!! Make sure it takes.. or like my poor hubby you will have to go back and allow Dr Frankandbeans to have another go with his oh-so-little-knife!!!

Hugs friend, you still owe me a coffee, although, under the circumstances, perhaps I should come over with Vodka and frozen peas!!!

Elaine A. said...

No more little Jay's in the world??? Dude, that's kinda depressing. Hope your recovery is swift.

kisatrtle said...

My husband had the big V after our son was born and his doctor's name was Richard Tapper...no joke...Dr. Dick Tapper. It still makes me laugh five years later.

And after hubbys "sample" came out clear he gave him a key chain with an orange on it that says "All juice and no seeds."

Talk about loving your work....hope all goes well.

Under the Influence said...

Ok, no bowling ball comments. I can tell you, though, my hubs had the procedure, drove himself home (stick shift), grabbed an ice bag and went off to play poker. And he's a total wimp.

Saundra@ItalianMamaGoneCrazy said...

OOPs... I meant to say I DID have 3 c sections...so it's the least he could do...

There... I feel so much better now.

The Mom Jen said...

Make sure you go for the er...follow up exam, otherwise you might be bringing Baby Oopsie to BlogHer 2010.

Good luck.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Good luck with your maiming, Jay!

Petals and Metals said...

Don't forget to stock up on frozen peas!

April said...

woe is you.

LMAO

angie said...

Ei yi yi.

You're a good husband.

Enough said. :)

Sharlene said...

Good times.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

If I send you my husband's email, will you write him and tell him that it will all be okay??? He thinks that after I have our next baby (#5), that we'll still be safe with nursing, recovery time, and whatnot. I am not trusting any whatnot. I want him to get the snip. My minivan is now officially maxed out on seating.

please, for the love of God or whatever you believe in, please talk to him!

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

Something tells me you will survive and like EM said, then you won't have to worry about more mouths to feed, diapers and potty training, sleepless nights...

Rachel said...

"uses my undercarriage as his personal amusement park" LOL. I think I read that once in a romance novel. love it.

Annie said...

Ahhh.... I wrote about this not long ago at MomsWOBlogs! This is on the calendar at our house and I CANNOT wait! Yippee! Freedom! Woo-hoo!
Good luck, slugger.

posthumous pointer
To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Emerson